I have never cared for women named Victoria. I find them repellent. An infant must have some very unappealing traits for her parents to christen her Victoria, when there are so many more well thought out appellations available.
This is why I was surprised to find that our local post office may be closing. Quite frankly, this is criminal. I know many elderly persons in the village who rely on the post office as the place to buy their cigarettes. Whatever will they do without it?
I suppose many people would give the “sensible” advice of giving up the hideous habit. However, I would suggest going a different route: down the jitty behind the post office and across the park to the other shop which not only sells fags, but also offers some lovely jams made by the ladies of the WI.
Those who suggest resigning from smoking, I’m afraid, are living in a bit of a “dream world.” I know it is very popular among some classes to set a New Year’s Resolution. This is pure tosh. There is no reason to use the excuse of a calendar change (my new one has some lovely snaps of an actor in various scenes of repose) to determine one’s fate. This doesn’t have the take-control-of-one’s-own-life-by-grabbing-it-by-the-balls type of gusto I expect from myself and those I admire. Instead I grab my (and, by default, Christopher’s) balls every morning by setting a New Day’s Resolution: some achievement that would better ourselves and the world around us and which can be completed within the twenty four hour span. This means that every night I go to bed a better woman than I was when I awoke, which may sound hard to believe, but it is quite simply fact.
For example, while many are already feeling worthless for having had a quick smoke or neglecting to follow their planned get-fit routine, I am celebrating having completed three improvements already in 2010. Friday’s resolution was to be adorable and, despite my late start to the day, I am proud to say I managed to achieve this goal. Saturday I resolved to send out thank you notes, which I did, and today I intend to help someone else (which I presume I am doing with this post). Christopher’s resolutions, too, (1. bleed the radiators, 2. sweep the path out front, and 3. find roses for me on a Sunday just because I fancied their smell) have improved him as both a man and a citizen of this great nation. I don’t mean to imply that we are better people than those who can only manage one goal a year, but I also am not unaware that evidence shows this to be true.
Never underestimate yourselves when trying to improve your lives. You have the power to do and be anything you’d like. Unless you are called Victoria. If that’s the case, I suggest you just give it up now. There’s little you can do to make yourself any less revolting so take up a nice quiet hobby and keep your trap shut.