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Let’s Just Have A Think About That

30 Mar

Few of us truly understand how directly beliefs can affect the spiritual, emotional and physical health of ourselves and our world. Sometimes this is positive; for example, one might believe that her experiences as an international mover-and-shaker are interesting enough to share in books. Those books are then read worldwide and make even the lowliest of people stop before swallowing the whole bottle of pills and promise to dedicate their lives to being more fabulous, which improves the entire global community. However, things don’t always go so nicely. A person might believe that those without enormous trust funds don’t deserve basic human rights and then do his level best to fuck up the lives of others once he becomes Chancellor of the Exchequer.

thinkSince what we believe has power, it’s important to think critically about what we think about whatever we’re thinking about. Too frequently we just follow along with the ideas our friends and family, the media or taxi drivers pass on to us.  Often we just buy into what are called “commonly held” beliefs without ever questioning them, and that’ll end up leading to nothing but trouble: from small hassles within our own households to devastating world wars and natural catastrophes. It takes time and energy to think critically, of course, but as usual, I’m here to help. Let’s debunk a few assumptions that most people seem to just take for granted as truth and examine their possible consequences.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away

There’s no need to worry about doctors showing up at your house unnecessarily: most doctors don’t make house calls, so if you really don’t want to see one, just don’t go into the surgery. Of course apples are tasty and good to eat, but we need to stop perpetuating the fear of doctors stalking our homes because it scares little children who sometimes have to walk past hospitals on their way to school.

Breaking a mirror means seven years of bad luck

A mirror is simply a fancy pants piece of glass that reflects whatever you put in front of it. Breaking a mirror has no more negative affect that breaking a champagne flute: if you step on a piece, you could cut your foot but other than that, it’s no biggie. If you’re really worried about seven years bad luck, instead avoid getting married.

Waking a sleepwalker could be dangerous

First off, sleepwalking doesn’t exist: the person is pretending. Why do you think you always find your husband sleepwalking his way to the whorehouse? The next time you encounter a sleepwalker, throw a lit match at them and you’ll see how quickly “waking” one can actually prevent a dangerous situation.

Dropping a penny from the Empire State Building can kill a person

This belief encourages people to throw away their money and perhaps without it, the economy would be in better shape. If you want to kill a person on the sidewalk below, the best bet is to drop a bullet out of gun while aiming it at their head.

Goldfish have a two second memory span

Why do you even care? What are you doing to your goldfish that is making you obsess over how well they remember things? The truth is goldfish have wonderful memories—I personally have met goldfish who can remember the Korean War in great detail so just watch yourself.

Eating a dictionary can improve your vocabulary

The ink used in dictionaries can stain one’s teeth and cannot be properly processed by a human’s digestive system. To improve your vocabulary, read more books and do more crosswords.

Unfortunately, I can’t be there with you all the time and if I have ever promised to be, I’m guessing I was probably drunk at the time. Please use these examples as models to question all of your beliefs. Hold tight to the solid, helpful ones and dump the others. Many local communities have salvage centres where you can drop off dumb ideas that can be recycled into jewelry and household goods which can then be purchased on Etsy.

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No Raccoon Has Ever Lied To Me

2 Feb

Raccoons-bite-baby-sleeping-in-cribI’ve never seen a raccoon in England. If you’re not familiar with them, they’re furry grey animals with fluffy tails. A bit like squirrels except less squirrel-ish and more raccoon-ish. Their most distinct feature is the black mask across their face, making them look like fluffy bandits. Cute! What I like most about raccoons, though, is that they are incredibly trustworthy.

This may come as a shock to you, but as a child, I lived for eight months in Canada. My mother led me to believe that this location change was due to my father’s draft dodging. Alas, I was too young to realise that not only was the draft not enacted at the time, the US was not even at war. Nonetheless, to this day, I still see my father as a conscientious objector, and I look back at those months with great fondness.

One afternoon I decided to head out for a long walk in the Canadian wilderness. I went out with one of my brothers (or sisters, I don’t remember exactly, and does it really matter?). We hiked through the woodland, making small talk and pausing frequently for me to capture nature with my Kodak Instamatic.

It was mid-July. While most of us tend to think of cold when we think of Canada, I can assure you it was well hot. After an hour or so, my brother (or sister) and I were regretting not bringing drinks with us and decided to head home. However, we had lost our way and raccoon-wallpaper-10-752390neither of us had a compass with us. As we were plotting out our plan back to safety, I noticed a little raccoon with her kits in a nearby tree. I stood up to take a snap (even in times of danger, I am committed to my work as a documentarian) when I swear the mother beckoned me towards her. I cried out, and she and her babes scuttled down the tree and took off. We ran over to where the raccoons had been, and spelled out in pebbles at the root of the tree was the word “wow.”

“What do you think it means?” my puzzled sibling asked me.

I walked slowly around the message. From a different angle, it spelled out “mom.” So I determined that the raccoon was either directing us towards something worth seeing or leading us to our mother. Either way, we decided to follow and took off in the direction in which the animals had fled.

We quickly caught up with the raccoon family, primarily because they had thoughtfully stopped to wait for us. Again the mother used her little paw to urge us forward. As we made our way through the trees, we began to hear the sounds of a waterfall and then of gleeful laughter. We were almost home safe!

As we rounded a corner, though, it quickly became clear that we were not at the Whitt-Wellington homestead but rather the raccoon had led us to a park for nudists. My brother (or sister, whatever) and I stood transfixed as we watched the nudie grown-ups frolicking in the water, lying in the sun and bending over to pick flowers. For a few moments, we were frozen in our tracks. Then, we turned our heads away from the spectacle and saw the raccoons running away, so we followed again for quite some time until we ended up behind a police station. We went in, our folks were called, and eventually we got home. Neither my sibling nor I mentioned the nudists to the cops, our parents or each other. That day I learned what a naked man looks like, and all I could say was “wow” (read whatever tone you want into that). The other thing I learned was that raccoons can be trusted.

I bring this up today because it is 2 February, also known as Groundhog Day in America. In Pennsylvania, a whole bunch of people get together to listen to a groundhog called Punxsutawney Phil predict Groundhogs are Liarsthe weather. (If you’re not familiar with groundhogs, they look nothing like raccoons.) If Phil sees his shadow, it means six more weeks of winter; if he doesn’t see his shadow, an early spring is coming. The problem is, of course, that groundhogs are notorious liars, and Phil’s predictions are usually wrong.

Don’t go to groundhogs for your information. If you want the truth—however harsh, wrinkly or dangly it might be—a raccoon will lead you to it. If you want to know the weather, however, simply look out your window.

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Let’s Wrap the 2012 Quiz Up Now That It’s Technically 2013

1 Jan

new year 2012If you missed the second half of my fabulous Large, Chubby Quiz of the Year 2012, the questions are listed below. If you’d like to compete against thousands to win something (I’ve not decided just yet), please send you answers (written coherently, please) to onagathasbehalf@gmail.com by noon GMT, 2 January 2013.

17. Who was Mr Heron Williard?

18. For what did David Cameron say he was “profoundly sorry” in September 2012?

19. About what did Nick Clegg say “when you’ve made a mistake, you should apologise” in September 2012?

20. What is title of my newest book, which “dropped” 20 December?

21. Where did Felix Baumgartner land after becoming the first person to break the sound barrier without vehicular power?

22. Complete Mitt Romney’s presidential debate phrase: “binders full of __________.”

23. Complete Barack Obama’s presidential debate phrase: “Well, Governor, we also have fewer __________ and __________.”

24. In October 2012, Silvio Berlusconi was sentenced to prison for which crime?

25. What was different about the Queen’s message this afternoon?

26. Whose effigy did Edenbridge Bonfire Society burn on Bonfire Night 2012?

27. After how many days in the job did George Entwistle resign as Director General on 10 November 2012?

28. What did David Beckham do for the last time on the first of December 2012?

29. What is hyperemesis gravidarum?

30. What was the first video to get over 1 billion views on YouTube?

31. Which country had the best performing stock market of 2012?

TIE-BREAKER:Why am I so lovely?

Click here to display the correct answers.

Alas, I’ve had to declare no winner in the quiz. Unfortunately, the entrant with the most correct answers is someone I once slept with, and I was afraid I’d be accused of rigging it in his favour, if you know what I mean. So I’ve declared a mistrial, and we’ll have to do it all again in eleven months.

But well done to you all!

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Um, Actually I think It’s Your Round

16 Dec

This year I’m serving as your quiz mistress for the Everyone Needs An Algonquin Quiz of the Year. We’re at the half way mark so I thought we could have a little musical interlude to give you a chance to freshen your drink, nip to the ladies’ or step outside for a fag. The landlord requested something to raise everyone’s spirits (though it would have made more business sense to keep everyone miserable as all good barmen know misery + alcohol =£££). Enjoy!

For those of you who have arrived fashionably late, each day a new question is posted on Facebook so like us there (see conveniently located help on the right of this page) to get access to the daily questions. However, I appreciate that some do not participate in Facebook, and I wouldn’t want to exclude those people just because they have the good sense not to get sucked into such evil, so now’s your chance to get caught up.

**QUIZ OF THE YEAR**

Question 1: Why was the name of the Roman goddess of harmony in the news in January 2012?

Question 2: My webpage, Everyone Needs An Algonquin, went black on 18 January 2012. What was up with that?

Question 3: What was the name of the creator of the “Hippest Trip in America,” who died in February 2012?

Question 4: In February 2012, who was cast in the role of Jeremy Irons in “Agatha! The Musical”?

Question 5: In March 2012, David Cameron refused to sign the EU’s “fiscal compact.” What other country’s leader also refused to sign?

Question 6: Why was Christopher cautioned by police in March 2012?

Question 7: Who won the Grand National in April 2012 and why did I back him to win?

Question 8: Rupert Murdoch celebrated the “most humble day” of his life with what kind of a pie?

Question 9: Why is May 1 known as the Day of the Incident in the Whitt-Wellington family?

*Picture Round*

Question 10: This woman’s Scottish husband won which race for the third time this year?
AJ







Question 11: What was my personal response to this so-called astronomical phenomenon?
TV







Question 12: Which one of these disembodied bald heads created the recipe for Diamond Jubilee Chicken?

Question 13: To whom did I donate my Olympics tickets?
Bored Queen







Question 14: This man showed up in London to watch which Olympic event?
Putin So Fuck Off









Question 15: How many medals did Great Britain win in this year’s London Olympics?

Question 16: How many medals did the United States win in this year’s London Paralympics?

Once everyone’s settled back into their seats and the paramedics have dealt with that man who got glassed out by the bins, we’ll get back to the quiz!

 

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Advice For Those Who Have Temporarily Given Up Menstruation

3 Dec

Many a woman might feel bitter when the young thing who stole away her prince (literally) comes out in the press as up the duff. Luckily, I’m not like that. I have come to accept that the relationship between Wills and me never would have lasted, and I bear no grudge against Catherine for her choices: having what can only be described as a relatively showy ceremony, becoming impregnated before we all are sure that the world in fact is not ending in 2012—it’s not my place to judge her. In fact, given my wonderfully generous nature, I have instead chosen to offer her a lesson that will also benefit any woman who finds herself in a family way.

It is, simply, get a grip.

PE BabyYou’ve chosen to bring another human being into this world and while it’s a morally questionable decision, it’s a done deal now. You may feel that the changes a child will bring are all going to be sweet and lovely, but stop relying on Christmas adverts for your information. Of course, there’s bound to be some nice things, but you need to be prepared for lots and lots of hassle and grief that basically will never ever ever go away. By the way, congratulations!

Let’s look at an analogy: when you were younger, you may have had a pet gerbil. If so, you know that gerbils need to be fed, watered and tidied on a pretty regular basis. If you wanted to sleep over at a friend’s house or go on holiday, you had to make arrangements to ensure the gerbil was taken care of. That’s pretty much what a baby is: a very large, hairless gerbil that lives inside your body until it is expelled down your lady chute and becomes completely dependent on you for (at least) the next sixteen to eighteen years.

Of course, if you neglected your gerbil, the worst thing that could have happened was that your parents grounded you for a weekend and you had to chuck the carcass out in the bin. If you mess about with your baby’s care, though, I’m afraid the consequences are a bit grander.

If you don’t take care of your offspring, you can seriously eff up its body and/or mind. We already have enough unhealthy and unhappy people in the world; no more are currently required, thank you. Additionally, the effects of any kind of neglect or abuse stay with a little person after they become a big person, and this is rarely good news for anyone. He or she may be unable to find love, may turn to criminal activities or, most worryingly of all, could gain a position of power in government and then we’ll all be buggered.

So buck up and grow up. Take care of yourself while you’re preggers—even if this means giving up certain foods, drinks or official tours of Commonwealth realms. The sprog’s well-being needs to be your priority now. Once the kid’s born, you’ll have even more responsibilities—ranging from preparing healthy foods and cleaning poo to showing love and teaching life skills. Basically, get yourself sorted.

Those of you who are non-breeders may assume that this advice is so incredibly obvious that I needn’t have sullied the pages of Everyone Needs An Algonquin discussing it. Alas, common sense is not as common as it should be. If you spend the next day counting all the people you meet whom you would describe as twattish, the number, I fear, will be quite large. Those people weren’t born twats, you know—they became twats and many did so because of poor behaviour on their parents’ parts.

39weeksBut also consider this: the American charity the March of Dimes is running a campaign whose sole purpose is to convince pregnant women to let their feotuses brew for the whole nine months. Now it seems pretty obvious to me that, unless there were an emergency, we’d just pretty much all agree to let the baby be born when he or she is ready to be born. But charities don’t spend money on campaigns that don’t have target audiences. Apparently there are women who need to be told not to muck about with their baby’s due date just because they’re sick of being pregnant. My beef’s not with the charity itself (dimes are actually one of my favourite coins and I strongly support anyone prepared to march for them). I just think its campaign indicates a pretty sad state of affairs.

So to the Duchess and anyone else whose rabbit has recently died, I say good luck on the adventure that is pregnancy and parenthood. Just be sure to make responsible choices from here on in. It might be helpful to remember  while you’re looking forward to the arrival of your little bundle of joy, that Klara Hitler was probably pretty excited about hers as well.

PS: Kate, do you mind if I call you Kate, I hope you are feeling better soon and the rest of your pregnancy is without pain or illness. Follow your doctors’ advice, get some rest and, despite what one semen-obsessed psychologist at SUNY-Albany says, don’t fall for that old ‘hair of the dog that bit you’ remedy for morning sickness.

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All Knowledge, the Totality of All Questions and Answers, Is Contained In the Dog

1 Dec

Probably my favourite part of the holiday season is the end-of-the-year quiz. This is because I am both clever and competitive (and if you’re expecting me to feel ashamed of either of these qualities, you’re going to be sorely disappointed). Amidst all the hubbub of Christmas shopping, family feuds, and wintry weather, I try to take solace in beating the pants off anyone who wants to take me on at trivia.

Unfortunately, there was an incident at the pub this week and I’ve been barred from quiz nights for the remainder of the year.  I don’t want to make a big to-do of it, but if you’re going to ask for the lyrics to “Tangled Up In Blue,” you really should have the sense to clarify if you’re talking about the Blood on the Tracks version or the Real Live one. And I’d also like to point out that saying I’m going to glass a guy is not the same as actually glassing him. But hey ho, I guess some people just don’t value accuracy and precision as much as I do.

Jimmy Carr will *not* be involved in this operation.

Jimmy Carr will *not* be involved in this operation.

So I’ve decided to step into the quizmaster role for 2012 and feature my own Quiz of the Year. I would like to invite you all to play along.  A question will be posted each day in December on my Facebook page, and the person with the most correct answers will win an as-of-yet-undetermined prize, which is most likely to be the respect of your peers (and in many ways the value of that is priceless, if you think about it).

I would like to reassure that you that, as in most other aspects of my life, I shall be harsh but fair. Cheating, of course, is incredibly unbecoming and won’t be tolerated: anyone seen using a smart phone to access the Internet at any point during the month of December will be immediately disqualified.

Happy quizzing, brain boxes!

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Are You Being Bullied?

1 Sep

It’s school time again, and students of all ages are sharpening their pencils, pressing their uniforms and buffing up their saddle shoes (yes, I’m talking about masturbation). Sadly, in addition to homework stress and test anxiety, school can also give rise to bullying. The legal definition of bullying is:

1. Getting all up in someone else’s face for no good reason, 2. Being cruel to someone just because they are different (usually better) than you, 3; Just acting like a real dick

Of course, bullying doesn’t just happen to children; grown ups can be victims as well, especially if they’re great big babies about everything.

If you feel like you are being bullied, here are a few proactive steps you can take:

1. Hold your hand up to the bully’s face and state in a firm but calm voice, “Bullying is wrong. Stop bullying me, you big bully.” Give the bully the worst stink eye you can muster.  This should help the bully see what a total bellend he (or she, let’s be fair here) is being. This is particularly effective if you can do it in unison with other people, to show everyone that bullying will not be silently tolerated.

2. Report the bullying to a person in power—a form tutor, principal, boss or head of the FBI. Keep clear documentation to present as evidence. If you’ve filmed the bullying, you should not post it to YouTube, even though I bet it’d inspire some hilarious comments.

3. There is strength in numbers, so offer other victims support. Start an anti-bullying support group. But don’t call it that. Refer to it as “Football Club” or “Art Group.” Don’t ask for trouble.

I do not advocate attacking the bully—avoid violent actions or violent words. Fighting back like this is never a good idea: firstly, it takes you down to the bully’s level; secondly, look at your scrawny body. That bully is going to kick the shit out of you and how’s that going to help anyone?

Of course, it can be helpful to remember that bullies bully because they are actually sad, insecure or damaged. If that knowledge gives you some pleasure, make the most of it. Also, you might find it helpful to know that studies show that 99.157%[1] of bullies end up living miserable lives, either in prison, mental institutions or cabinet positions. They’ll suffer eventually, don’t you worry.

If by chance, you are the bully—all I can say is shame on you. I’ve no respect for bullies and I strongly encourage you to change your ways.[2]

[1] Probably.

[2] You are also a smelly dum-dum head and your hairstyle is stupid.

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How To Solve A Murder

10 May

I certainly don’t want to be an alarmist, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned from the Crime and Investigation Network, it’s that most murders are not solved until there’s at least enough mystery and intrigue to pad out a forty-two minute broadcast. I’ve also learned that we are all likely to be involved in crime, especially if we live in “a town where things like this just don’t happen.” Assuming you don’t end up a murder victim (if you do, please disregard this advice), you’re likely to find yourself embroiled in a crime investigation at some point, so here are some hints for wrapping it up neatly.

GATHERING EVIDENCE

1. Don’t let small town cops run the scene. They will walk all over evidence, forget to take photographs and allow onlookers to run amok. Get the Feds in straight away.

2. If the murder weapon is not found near the body, check the bottom of a nearby body of water. It’ll be there. It always is.

3. Any obvious clues are pointing you towards the wrong person.

4. Swab everything. Spray Luminol everywhere. Save some air from the scene in a jar; by the time this case goes cold and then is reopened years from now, they’ll probably be able to get DNA from air so think ahead.

ZEROING IN ON A SUSPECT

1. The closest person to the victim is usually your best suspect. Unless the killer was a stranger. Or it might be someone the victim knew long ago or casually bumped into on the street. Interview all of these options.

2. Do surveillance. Surveillance is cool. Locations to watch are the crime scene, a nearby body of water and the killer’s workplace.

3. Do not bother running the first ten suspects’ DNA or fingerprints through any databases. They won’t turn up any matches.

4. The last person to have seen the victim alive and the first person to see them dead is the killer.

QUESTIONING THE SUSPECT

1. If the suspect knew the victim well, they should be hysterical 24-7. If they’re not, they’re the killer.

2. Check the suspect’s arms for scratches. Innocent people never have scratches on their arms; it’s as simple as that.

3. If the suspect sticks to the same story, it’s been rehearsed. Arrest them. If their story changes at all, they’re covering their tracks. Arrest them.

4. If you’re filming the interrogation, be sure the camera gets your good side.

TRYING THE CASE

1. Don’t worry if you don’t have a motive, weapon or any physical evidence. Those matter much less that you expect.

2. Contact criminal profiler Candice DeLong. Her precise analysis will cover all your bases: “Generally speaking, when females kill, they choose people they know. It doesn’t have to be someone they know well. Sometimes they choose a stranger”—if that’s not expert proof, what is? She also takes extreme pleasure in explaining the extreme pleasure people get from killing. The jury will love her, and her television connections will fast track you to stardom.

3. Get Nancy Grace on board. You’re sorted.

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The Gee-Gees and Me

14 Apr

It may surprise you to know that I’m interested in the Grand National, as I’m usually anti events that lead to animals being killed (unless it’s tastefully done). However, today, like most of the nation, I’ll be glued to the telly watching the legendary handicap steeplechase run.

When I was an itsy-bitsy girl, my father had an old Army friend we called Uncle Eli. Every once in a blue moon, he would spend a few days in our family home. His visits were usually preceded and followed by at least ten days of silence from my mother, which may explain why I found time with Uncle Eli so enchanting. I thought his excesses were exotic and exciting. Of course, now I find barely functional alcoholics rather less attractive, but then, a visit with Uncle Eli meant a weekend of good fun.

One year, my father and Eli invited me to join them on one of their usually private jollies. Though I requested advance knowledge of the details (so I could choose my wardrobe wisely), all Eli would tell me was “You’re going to have the time of your life.”

And I did. After a quick stop at the one bar in town which also had a children’s menu, we drove through the gates of Melvin Purvis Raceway. As soon as we got out of the car, my face was stung by the frenzy that surrounded me. Men of all sizes were frantically running about, holding newspapers, cigars and their wallets as they rushed to the windows and then trackside. While my father and Eli chose their bets, I watched the enclosure through my binoculars.

I was initially seduced by the satiny sheen of the jockeys’ silks (I was a child and can be forgiven for this). But soon I was studying the horses. I don’t know how anyone can deny the beauty of the equine beast: the muscular curves of the thighs, the seductive shape of the face, the crowning glory of the crest. One in particular caught my eye: a grey colt with a spring in his step and a twinkle in his eyes. I was no expert, of course, but it felt as if that horse was trying to tell me something and I knew what it was.

I immediately ran to the sides of my adult companions. “Eli,” I said, with absolute certainty, “the smart money is on the grey colt, number 27.”

My father tried to shush me, but Eli knelt down and said, “What’s the scoop, scout? You got some insider information?”

I thought of the way that horse had so boldly stared me down and said, “The information is inside me. I’m telling you, I just know it.”

He flipped over the paper he was holding, scanned the page and tutted. “He’s being ridden by a bug boy, doll face. Long shot–95/1. I don’t rate his chances.”

I pulled at my pocketbook, emptied all of my resources into my hand and passed it over to him. “Then use my money,” I said. “Place the bet.”

There must have been something about the tone of my voice or perhaps it was the awkwardness of a grown man being given a child’s life savings, but Eli scurried off and did as he had been told. The three of us then made our way to the rails.

“What’s his name?” I asked as I went up on my tippie-toes to get the best view.

“Butch Dreams Big” came the answer to my query.

Though the race seemed to only last seconds and the horses passed by me so quickly that the entire field was a blur, I knew what I knew.

“A blanket finish!” I heard a spectator shout. I think I was the only one there who was not surprised when the winner was revealed.

Eli immediately began asking me to pick my favourites in other races, but my father intervened. We collected my winnings (which my father pocketed) and walked silently back to the car. Eli left town the next day, and I was never included in one of their outings again.

The fact that my father did not tell my mother about our adventure made clear to me that, despite my newly discovered talent, my life’s meaning would not be found on a racetrack. I have never placed another bet.

The closest I allow myself to come to this forbidden pleasure is watching the Grand National each year. Christopher and I each have a flutter, but the winner gets personal favours instead of monetary rewards. I’m pretty confident about my choice this year, but I shan’t share it. If you’re betting today, please be sensible.

And good luck to the horses and riders. May you all end your day without bullets in your heads.

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Crime Prevention Tips: Don’t Let The Season of Joy Make You Stupid

24 Nov

As we are approaching the season of consumerism, scratch that, giving, I’ve decided to offer some of my crime prevention suggestions to you, my loyal readers, free of charge. Please do not assume that these suggestions aren’t as valuable as the ones I’ve given in lectures in years past (where the organisers have generally asked for a small monetary donation): it’s just that here you don’t get biscuits. Go grab yourself some if you feel they’re needed for you to be able to pay attention.

I only mention that I’m offering this advice gratis to highlight that, sadly, during the run-up to Christmas, there is a smorgasbord of scammers and dodgy dealers just waiting to relieve you of your hard-earned cash. This is my first tip: be weary of everyone.  Now you know me, you trust me, because I’m very likeable, honest and always leave my clientele satisfied, if you know what I mean. So were I to request a small fee, it would be sensible to pay it. However, how many times do you hand over your coins or credit cards to people whom you do not know, admire or find sexually alluring? Just bought your wife a necklace–are you sure the jeweller isn’t in the blood diamond trade? Found a great deal online—how reputable is the company? Are you supporting animal abuse with your holiday meal purchases? The donation you made outside the Post Office—was the fact that the man owned a red bucket all you needed to hand over a tenner? I’m certainly not saying that you shouldn’t buy things from retailers or give money to charities. I’m just saying if you’re going to be mindless about how you throw your money about, don’t come whining to me about being ripped off. And if you are financially supporting corrupt companies and practices, then in many ways you’re just as bad as the criminals themselves. What are you going to do next, kill a fluffy kitten just to watch it die? You disgust me.

Another crime that seems to peak this time of year is pickpocketing. People get so wrapped up in how many errands they have to run or how many purchases they have to make that they let their guards down. They focus on their lists or rushing to beat the queues, and they leave their purses or pockets easily accessible to baddies. My tip to avoid those with sticky fingers is to keep your wallet hidden upon (but not within) your person. Women are advised to keep their cash in their brassieres; men should tuck it discreetly into the pockets of their Y-fronts. Yes, it may be uncomfortable and possibly awkward at the till, but it’s safer, and safety don’t come easy, baby. I do not, though, recommend this technique when shopping in toy stores, for obvious reasons.

Break-ins are also popular during this season. It’s best to assume that burglars are constantly staking out your home. They’re watching you carry in bundles of purchases, they take note of the empty boxes you put out with the recycling, they know when you’re packing the car to go away for a few days. The only way to deal with this threat is to beat them at their own game. Be sensible when displaying new and expensive items you’re bringing into the house; use security lighting outside your home; cancel milk and post delivery, set timers or hire a housesitter if you’re going away; devise a schedule which means a family member is sitting guard at all entry points to your house 24-7 from today until mid-January. Don’t be a passive victim. Getting robbed is terrible, but it stings even more if you could have proactively avoided it.

Lastly, the holiday season includes many parties, and these parties often involve the imbibing of excess amounts of alcohol-based concoctions. As statistics show, when people drink too much, they are more likely to become aggressive which can lead to cruelty, violence and property damage. My tip for avoiding any trips to hospital and/or the local police station is to water down Granny’s sherry from the get go and confiscate both her cane and knitting needles upon arrival.

Be safe and wise when celebrating, my dear ones, and have lovely holiday season!

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