Tag Archives: Health

A Healthy Body is a Guest-Chamber for the Soul

6 Apr

I do not mind saying that my body is far from perfect. Very few bodies are, though some come close. However, I am utterly devoted to keeping my physical form as firm and flourishing as my intellectual faculties. You know I am particular about what I eat and my medicine cabinet is always well stocked with vitamins (choose your own pronunciation). Even though we’re ????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????all still waiting for spring to actually show up, I face the slight nip in the air every day to take my morning constitutional. Christopher has shown me his preferred workout, and although the drills are intense, my flexibility continues to improve, and I think the pink blush the exertion brings to my cheeks makes me look quite vivacious.

There are some health concerns, though, that we individuals cannot manage on our own. For those, we need to consult what are commonly known as “professionals.”  I use the term extremely delicately. Unfortunately there are quite a few bunco artists polluting many of our nation’s doctors’ offices. For example, I cannot respect a man who suggests expectorating phlegm as a remedy, despite any number of certificates decorating the walls of his surgery. So take care, readers: I caution all of you to be sure of to whom you are trusting yourself with.

But don’t go crazy. We do need those who are truly experts. Please understand that I am not encouraging anyone to perform their own dental work. I have seen this done and it’s horrifying. I know some suffer from odontophobia, but it is quite important to get one’s dental groove on at least once every six months.

However, while I never hesitate to welcome a qualified man into my mouth (providing that he’s gloved up, of course), I do confess to feeling just a tiny bit anxious about visiting the eye doctor. Now before you start making assumptions about age-related macular degeneration, I can testify that my nerves have nothing to do with refusing to accept that I am getting older. I am getting older, but you know what, so are you so shut up anyway. I do sometimes wear spectacles and if I were ever to be asked to wear bifocals, I’d take it like a man. I eye_test_525-210x143don’t like going to get my eyes examined simply because of the close proximity of the doctor to my person. I am usually suspect when I feel a stranger’s breath on my face (excluding that wonderful evening in Paris) so I don’t know why it should be any different just because he’s wearing a white tabard. I always seem to get the one whose wife leaves him dissatisfied, and the room ends up being so thick with sexual tension that I’ve no doubt my ocular accuracy is compromised. This is why I never go to the same optometrist twice—there’s something about sharing such intimacy, and being expected to pay for it, and then hearing nothing from him again until I receive a brief postcard a year later, saying it’d be lovely to see me.

I bring this up only because said epistle arrived last week. I had Christopher ring up our village’s newest specialist (after instructing him to spend a few hours researching the man’s background—and I was quite impressed by his Facebook photo). I have also faxed over my curriculum vitae, a photo, and a few notable newspaper clippings. At least this way, he and I will have some sort of relationship before he gets all up in my face next month. And this one is single as well.

We all must take advantage of both our internal and external resources to keep our bodies well.  Those who don’t often get quite poorly, some die and others, well, they do okay so perhaps it doesn’t matter. Actually, whatever. It’s your life if you’re happy pissing it away.

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Your Health and Why I Worry About It

26 Nov

I know I’m not your mother (if I were, you wouldn’t be allowed out with that haircut), but I am still concerned about your well-being. No one is getting any younger these days, and where would I (and my book sales receipts) be if my beloved fans started dropping dead prematurely?

So we need to get you back into fighting shape.

We’ll start by getting rid of your bad habits. Habits are hard to break, I know, and I shan’t pretend they aren’t. But come on now, you’re all big boys and need to get a grip on things. If you watch more than two hours of telly a day, stop. No more trips to the chippy. And stop buying apps for your phone. Now. They say it takes three weeks to break a habit, so be patient and you’ll get through.

Once your habits are gone, you’re going to have a lot more time on your hands. That time should be spent doing one of the following options: taking a walk in the fresh air, doing some light stretches, cooking and eating healthier meals, ordering and then reading more of my work or spending some time in quiet solitude contemplating what your purpose here actually is. This last one may be rough going early on, but once your head is cleared of Angry Birds, greasy food and TOWIE, things will start falling into place, I promise.

If you keep up this routine for the next three weeks, you’ll be healthier and happier. If for any reason you’re not, you might want to purchase my book Stop Listening To Others and Live Your Own Life For Once, which hits the shops on December 20.

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Breakfast, the Breakfast of Champions

12 Sep

I have to say that H1N1 (I refuse to refer to it by its more colloquial name) is not one of my favourite pandemics. It just doesn’t have the same ring to it as the Plague of Justinian, and I certainly don’t see it becoming as creatively inspiring as say cholera or the Hong Kong flu. So what can we learn from H1N1? Is it that international travel is a bad idea? Ridiculous. Is it that our global community is simply weaker now due to poor financial and environmental conditions? I doubt it: my garden produced an excellent harvest this year, and my bank book is as strong as ever so it can’t be that. Are we just looking for another reason to quarantine Irish cooks?

No.

The simple lesson that lies behind the whole H1N1 debacle is that people should eat breakfast. My grandmother Boots had a little saying that went something along the lines of “Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.” I only wish she had shared that truism with people outside our family. I, for one, start every day with a slice of toast, half a grapefruit and a cup of tea. It provides me with energy to work, to play, to effectively and eloquently communicate and to ward off pesky infectious diseases.

Sadly, breakfast is being completely ignored by most of our population and if it is eaten, too often it is only at the weekend. In America, diners load up on pancakes, waffles, bacon, sausage patties, sausage links, steak, fried potatoes, hash browns,  toast, eggs, omelets, frittatas, gravy, syrup, French toast, bagels, grits, quiche, cereal, oatmeal, fruit, crepes, and orange juice. What’s wrong with that you say? Nothing except that it’s only eaten on Sunday mornings. Americans need breakfasts like that everyday to stay flu-fighting fit.

Of course, English tastes are slightly more refined, and they tend to nibble on bacon, sausage, tomatoes, mushrooms, baked beans, toast, scones, porridge, eggs and cigarettes. Again, save for the unemployed and old-aged pensioners, these important food groups are only taken at the weekends. We are just asking for trouble by ignoring this meal.

People, come on. The word breakfast actually means “break fast.” If we want to break H1N1 fast, there’s a simple way to do that. When you wake up tomorrow, don’t rush out the door before putting some food in your belly. If you do and you get sick, you’ll have no one to blame except yourself. And the Mexicans.

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