An American star science guy has warned that the big moon on the night of 19 March is an “extreme super moon,” which is likely to disrupt everything, destroy the world and/or kill the lot of us.
Now, hold up there now, mister.
You may have your theories and evidence, but I’m rarely influenced by things as convincing as that. I have always found myself much more persuaded by the look in one’s eyes when he’s talking bullshit to me. So I got in contact with my close personal go-to astrologer, Mystical Mitchel. He explained to me that the best advice I can offer you is to make sure you’ve stocked on necessities: water, brie and bread, a few bottles of red, a lover or two and a camera (unlike unusual suns, you can look directly into the moon—in fact, I encourage you to look at nothing but the moon until 6am Sunday as doing so will make the drunken, bloated sex that much easier to tolerate).
There have been plenty of horrible things happening in the world and there will be more. But celestial bodies—big or small—aren’t worrying me. The moon may control werewolves, women’s menses and David Icke, but most of the shit that happens is probably man-made, I’m afraid.
Everyone Needs an Algonquin 
Agatha’s Public Chimes In