Tag Archives: Self-sacrifice

Let’s Look Past the Pain and Remember That Which is Good

1 Nov

I apologise.

I could offer a hundred excuses, but that has never been my style. Suffice it to say that this may possibly have been the worst month of my life and that it is unlikely that many people (save those poor unfortunate souls in the Oxfam adverts) have suffered as I have.

However, I take full responsibility for neglecting you so in the last few weeks. My dears, you were never far from my mind, I can promise you. As I sat waiting to be looked after in that A&E, as I sat being interviewed by the sketch artist, as I lay there on the floor of the building society doing my best not to make any sudden movements, I thought of nothing but my darling readers and how much I have let them down.

I intend to remedy this situation in the only way I know how. By being charmingly inspiring. It may be the only gift God gave me (well, one of only a few) but, my goodness, is it needed right now.

In reflecting over my last few posts, I see that my normally uplifting tone has been in absentia. It is true that terrible injustices are going on in the world, and it is true that people like me must do our best to speak out against such things to instigate change. However, I also feel that it is sometimes necessary to focus on what is good in the world, to praise what has yet to go tits up.

As you are well aware, I have been adopted as one of her own by Mother England. Although my career as an internationally-known writer requires me to thumb the newspapers each day, I am often saddened by the bile spat at old Albion. I would like to take this time to put aside my own personal tragedies and remind us all of some praiseworthy things.

Ribena

You may have taken me for a shandy drinker but I beg of you not to rely on such stereotypes. Have you ever spent four hours cooped up in the waiting room of a hospital, surrounded by children who certainly must have nits and their parents who see no problem in allowing their nit covered offspring out of doors? If so, you will know that nothing tastes sweeter sliding down one’s throat than a lovely glass of Ribena, slightly diluted with cold clear water or (when appropriate) the finest Russian vodka Christopher can find in town on a Tuesday morning.

The People’s Friend

Quite frankly, this overlooked example of fine British literature is sorely neglected in today’s National Curriculum. Why read a story about the Empire’s evils when it’s so much nicer to read one about someone’s grandmother’s embroidered handkerchief?

Two Pound Coins

I like my coins to have a bit of weight to them. And what’s even more thrilling is that if you collect fifty of these, you’ll have a hundred quid!

Shopping Trolleys

Does anything say “England is a lovely place to live” more than this picture?

Truncheons

Police in America with their guns have nothing on the pleasant English Bobby who can bludgeon a criminal’s face with just a quick swing of the arm. That’s why we’ve got the most civilized police brutality in the world!

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Tweezers

Not strictly English, I know, but just imagine how frustrated philatelists would be without them!

See, readers, if someone like me can rise above the pain (both emotional and physical) of going to hell and back as I have done in the recent past and can manage to smile at some England’s charms, can’t we all do so from time to time?

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Reflections on The Year 2009 Thus Far

26 Jun

As the month of June draws to a close, I realise how much has changed in 2009 already. We are now half way through the year, little birdies, and I suggest we all take this time to reflect on how we have helped make our world a better place in the last six months. Remember, while many believe that no man is an island, I feel that it’s more helpful to acknowledge that, while we are each individually islands, we all make up part of the Channel Islands and therefore bear the responsibility of keeping our shorelines clear of rubbish, our children’s homes free of unmarked graves, our governments guided by freedom and democracy and our carbon footprints as dainty as possible. Otherwise, we can negatively affect the entire world, particularly the whelk population (and goodness knows how that would influence prices at our local chippy).

I note many of us have already done so much. Some of us are doing our best to keep the promises we made on the campaign trail. Some of us are helping the environment by providing darling duck houses and muck-free moats. Some of us are avoiding further debt by dramatically dying on the eve of a fifty-night tour we knew we were unlikely to complete. Some of us are going so far as rescuing children from their families and homelands purely because we are so certain our lifestyles would be preferable to them. While not all of us can achieve such acts of courage and self-sacrifice, as Marks and Spencer says, “Every little bit helps!”

To provide you with a guideline for your self-reflection, I have listed below the ways in which I have humbly attempted to help humanity so far this year.

1. Socially
On a global level, my contribution to society is unparalleled. As you know my social calendar is rarely empty. My primary motivation for this is because I am well aware that my presence at social events provides others with inspiration, one of the greatest gifts anyone can give in our quotidian, humdrum world.
On a more personal level, I rang my mother on Mothering Sunday, despite the fact that doing so put me in a foul mood for the rest of the day, and I continue to support Christopher in all of his creative endeavours, most recently encouraging his newfound interest in Greco-Roman wrestling.

2. Environmentally
I have recently had to change the birdseed I put out in my feeders as my previous brand is no longer being stocked at my local shop. The birds seem to enjoy this new food immensely. Chalk up yet another eco-system improved by me.

3. Financially
We are all suffering in the current financial climate, charitable organisations even more so.  Although I prefer to keep these contributions as anonymous as possible, I must confess to recently making a rather large financial donation to a well-respected charity in exchange for a large consignment of left-over chocolate oranges which I intend to distribute to admirers overseas this Yuletide.

4. Politically
Every time I dine with our MP, I insist upon leaving the gratuity thereby relieving my Right Honorable friend of any temptation to inappropriately fiddle with his expenses.

5. Creatively
Of course, as I have done every year of my adult life, I painstakingly continue to improve the world of art and literature through my copious amount of publications.  This year, however, I have gone even a step further by conquering the Internet and therefore reaching readers who may previously had been unable to afford to frequent the types of shops which sell my books (they don’t come cheap, I can tell you). While inevitably this means a loss of income to me personally, I am prepared to make this sacrifice as I care more about the world as a whole than I do my bankbook and besides a few hundred pounds here and there means nothing to someone of my substantial wealth.

Dear readers, I beg you to please take this opportunity to reflect on your own contributions to the world in 2009 thus far. By acknowledging your previous accomplishments, you will be able to plan how you can continue to do good for the latter half of the year. Keep the list limited to one side of A4 paper though as being too self-congratulatory makes one appear frightfully unattractive.

Each of you, regardless of your insignificance, must matter in some way to the world. I can at least confirm you matter a little bit to one Miss Agatha Whitt-Wellington!

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