I have never been one for censorship. You know that. The concept of censorship comes from evil minds and attempts to destroy beauty and freedom. I myself would not be in the enviable position I am in now if censorship had been allowed to take hold of our glorious nation. However, I have recently seen some material being distributed on the Internet which I feel should immediately be removed and banned from ever being seen by human eyes again.
Apparently some explorers have discovered new and endangered species in Ecuador. Now I am all for exploration—some have even referred to me as an explorer of sorts (see Butler Kipling’s article “The Whitt-Wellington Legacy: How One Woman Shaped our Modern World”). Yet I am shocked and dismayed by the photos which have accompanied the reportage of these discoveries.
Firstly, most of these pitiful creatures are amphibians. The word amphibian has its roots in the phrase “both kinds of life.” I do not feel we should look with reverence at animals which, by their very nature, embrace both kinds of life. Those of you who are scholars of psychiatry know that in the nineteenth century, many lunatic asylums were filled to their brims with patients suffering from “amphitis” (later shortened to paranoid schizophrenia), and I am concerned that extolling these new beasts may predicate a new rise in this disorder.
Additionally, despite their impressive clamminess and fancy pants ability to camouflage, they offer us no real inspiration to better ourselves as human beings. This is what the world needs now—-not more frogs. I cannot tell you the amount of times my writing, genorosity and stockings have been cited on acknowledgement pages as the inspiration behind the work of many an author. Will a young person ever look at a katydid and think, “If only my mating call could have as lovely a series of trills as yours does?” I just cannot see this happening.
Most important, though, is the fact that these new species are absolutely disgusting to behold. I simply cannot bring myself to post any of the photographs here as I know you visit this page not to be sickened but to get a brief taste of my glorious life. I have already drafted a letter of complaint to the BBC which felt it necessary to display the offending items. Without wanting to be graphic, I shall just say this: if you ever hear me say that I want to see the inside workings of a glass frog, please immediately put a bullet in my brain. I feel that strongly about the immorality of viewing such images.
Whatever religious beliefs you have about the way in which the Earth was created, you no doubt have already come to appreciate the wonders of the natural world. We all know our planet is populated by amazing things. In future, I myself would prefer to stay blissfully ignorant of any new discoveries if they insist on being that ugly and moist. Surely we need not have our eyes assaulted by the photographic evidence of God’s greatness. Even He would not expect that of us!
Everyone Needs an Algonquin 
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