I’m Late, I’m Late, For A Very Important Date

Alice Wintergarden read me the riot act this morning, chiding me for arriving late to a drinks party she held last evening.

First off, yes, I was late last night, but at least I wasn’t wearing an inappropriately low neckline on an exceedingly unattractive blouse. Perhaps we should all look a bit closer to home for party faux pas before we start judging me, dear Alice.

Secondly, I did not come late to the party to be “fashionable.” Ignoring arrival guidelines is not a game I play. Unfortunately, a rather dramatic occurrence took place just as I was heading out to the car (the specifics of which I am afraid for both legal and moral reasons I cannot detail to any outside parties at the moment), and I was forced to immediately deal with this crisis. If anything, I’d have thought Alice would have been thanking me for giving her the gift of my presence at all, as god knows (and several other guests testified) that it was a dreadfully tired event before I showed up. But some people are just like that.

As we are nearing the holiday season, no doubt all of our calendars will soon be filling up with invites to parties and requests from the headmaster of the local boys’ school to dress as Mrs Claus (for the school’s Christmas pageant, I presume). Here are a few tips to help get you through this busy time:

• It is important to be prompt for any engagement, for good manners are the backbone of any social occasion. But do keep this suggestion in perspective.
• Take a gift, even if your hosts request no gifts. In fact, especially if they request no gifts. They only do this to look humble or “environmentally conscious,” but the cold, hard truth is that everyone likes prezzies, no matter how frivolous, wasteful or damaging to Mother Earth they may be. Hosts should be forced to acknowledge this fact.
• Never be the first or last to leave the party.
• Mingle with as many different people as you can tolerate but never ever allow yourself to be photographed with strangers. If you do, you can guarantee said photograph will be stuck into Round Robin letters and the thought of that is so upsetting that it still turns my stomach eight years later.
• If more than two dozen ex-lovers are also at the party, keep your stay to under thirty minutes.

Finally, please let me advise that if you are the one hosting the get-together, it’s important to remember two things: be grateful I came in the first place and don’t dress like a whore.

Tags: "Fashionably" Late, Holiday Season, Inappropriately Low Necklines, Parties, Party Etiquette, Round Robin Letters