8.05 Welcome to my up-to-the-minute coverage of the wedding between The Duke of Cambridge, the Earl of Strathearn, Baron Carrickfergus, and the Duchess of Cambridge, Countess of Strathearn, and Baroness Carrickfergus. I love group weddings; it’s almost like the Moonies.
8.30 Did you hear the guy from Syria’s been uninvited? I’m not sure that’s any less rude than violently cracking down against weeks of pro-democracy demonstrations.
8.40 I have always felt that those who shove in queues should be beaten to death and admire the police’s decision to do so this morning.
8.44 A lot of hats, bordering on an indecent amount of hats. Some ridiculous, some I confess to finding rather fetching. I particularly like the little pink beanies some of the men are wearing. Too cute!
9.22 David Beckham. He’s lovely.
9.30 Rowan Atkinson’s arrived, pulling a funny face. Oh wait, that’s Tara Palmer-Tomkinson.
9.43 Apparently Boris Johnson’s hair took hours doing.
9.44 Guy Richie?
9.47 Sir Elton John and David Furnish have arrived. Elton’s coiffure is attempting something but failing miserably.
9.48 I’m not sure I’ve ever seen John Major look quite so dashing. Yum-yum!
10.01 A cheer for Nick Clegg! Or perhaps for Miriam’s saucy attire—her lips match her feathers.
10.02 Ed and Vince. Vince and Ed. Little George Osborne not far behind.
10.03 Samantha Cameron looks quite pretty in a flattering jade dress, carrying an orange wrap. A shame she had to spoil it with her date.
10.14 I don’t think screams at a wedding are ever really appropriate, regardless of who is attending or how fancy pants their tour bus is.
10.16 Now, that’s one hell of a car the Princes are in.
10.18 Here come the bells.
10.20 Those who think the Royals’ lives are unfairly easy should remember that tragedies like thinning hair can strike anyone. Nature is blind to pageantry.
10.22 The red coat, blue sash and gold doohickeys are alright, I guess. But I’m not keen on the red stripe down the trousers. At least he ignored Harry’s suggestion to also wear red shoes.
10.24 I wonder who was the first to say “Someone’s getting laid tonight” to Wills this morning.
10.27 I don’t care what cool cucumbers some of these posh-os think they are. You know they must be peeing themselves over all this.
10.28 I like the four matching silver mini-buses. They’re titchy, like little toy cars, carrying little toy people.
10.36 Who taught these people how to walk?
10.40 I bet Tony Blair’s having a little cry. I know Barack Obama isn’t.
10.42 Beatrice and Eugenie—no, no, and no.
10.44 This must surely remind Prince Charles of his own weddings. The incredibly exciting one, plus that time the other one got canceled because the Pope up and died.
10. 48 I don’t care what people say. The Queen is still a right royal knockout and you know it. She looks like a stunning little canary. Wearing a hat. And a brooch. And carrying a handbag.
10.50 Awkward kiss between the Duke of Edinburgh and Camilla. But I suppose it would have been more upsetting if it had been natural, like something they did all the time.
10.55 Any commentator who says something about Kate’s ability to wave is first against the wall, come the revolution.
10.59 You gotta say one thing about the royals: they know how to keep to a timetable.
11.00 I’m not too proud to admit she looks pretty. But I know, in his heart of heart, Wills prefers a bustier woman.
11.04 Searches for Sarah Burton have now crashed the internet.
11.08 If this is William’s first view of his bride’s dress, I’m sure he think it’s beautiful. Harry is thinking, “What’s up with her eyebrows?”
11.11 Oh, England, you and your hymns. I do love you so.
11.13 Marriage was ordained for the increase of mankind. Ooh, sexy.
11.14 I won’t say a word. I will forever hereafter hold my peace. Damn, Will’s not said anything either.
11.16 For richer, for poorer. Good one.
11.17 I don’t mean to seem a downer, but let’s remember that Charles and Diana said all these words as well.
11.18 Wow, he’s going to give her his troth, honour her with his body and share all his worldly goods? Jackpot!
11.20 William’s just made the biggest mistake of his life. Congratulations to the happy couple!
11.24 Grab a pew, now for the boring stuff.
11.29 To kill some time, let’s look at some new wedding-related tweets:
Halcruttenden All these beautiful people have just made me realise that the idea of monarchy is right. They’re just better than us.
mfhorne There is literally NOWHERE for Harry to have a sneaky Fatty Boombatty.
mrchrisaddison Queen has a tartan blanket over her knees in that car.
Therealdavelamb No wonder the father of the bride’s sweating, this must be costing him a fortune.
StephenAtHome At the Royal Wedding. Crap, I’m wearing the same thing as Camilla.
RufusHound They need to hurry it along, the photographer has another wedding to do at 12
RobinCooperEsq Don’t forget tomorrow is the royal wedding everybody
11.39 Oh boy, they composed their own prayer. Nicely written—concise yet ultimately meaningless, as all good prayers should be.
11.37 Those little boys have no idea that this will be the last greatest moment of their lives.
11.46 I like the idea of marriage as “such an exquisite mystery.” Sounds so much better than “the beginning of the end.”
11.47 Oh, “Jerusalem,” you bring me such joy. There is nothing better than you. Except maybe marrying Prince William. But alas, it wasn’t meant to be. So I rejoice at the song of England’s green and pleasant land.
11.52 What goes through Charles’s head when he hears “God Save Our Gracious Queen”? And I don’t know about you, but it seems weird that Prince Philip sings it as well. Man, she must really hold that over him at times.
11.56 I thought it was supposed to rain today. Wow, they really do have God looking after them.
12.10 Yes, put the gloves on. One mustn’t wave to paupers without wearing gloves.
12.13 The wedding ceremony ends as all wedding ceremonies do: a bunch of old people in fancy dress struggling to get into horse-drawn carriages. We’ve all been there, done that.
12.15 The deed is done. There’s nothing more to see here. Move along and back to your regular lives.