I’ve about had it up to here with you, Mr So-Called Cameron. I’ve tried to take the high road about your not inviting me to be the UK’s Special Representative for Anglo-American Relations, even though clearly the ideal candidate must be someone with my intelligence and diplomacy—not to mention the fact that I’ve had relations with men of both breeds. You’ve made your position clear, and upon it I shall not dwell. However, despite my unofficial status as a key player in your policy machine, I do feel compelled to speak up about Obama’s visit to Number 10.
Regarding the ping pong game: No. 
It makes a mockery of your offices, and I’ve no doubt that the reason behind it was probably sinister. Refusing to play a one-on-one basketball game with him, especially if you were afraid of being shown up, could only have been motivated by racism.
More importantly, though, the opportunity of a high five with the President of the United States is not the epitome of a special relationship.
One type of special relationship is that between brothers (and no, I don’t mean brothers in that way, racist). There is an undeniable bond between brothers, but that bond could go good or bad. It could become tainted by hero worship, resentment or unrealistic expectations. Brothers with healthy relationships, however, acknowledge their similarities as well as their differences. They learn from each other, and they maintain boundaries by not sharing everything (as painful as that may be to the woman who fancies them both, I’ve learned to my dismay).
Bush and Blair (neither of whom I’ve slept with) did not have a healthy special relationship. Why don’t you try to right that wrong with Obama? It’s about respect and mutual benefit. It’s perfectly fine for you to give him praise, but why not take a few things from him as well?
For example, take his advice on some key issues. What do you know about American higher education? President Obama is focusing on making it more affordable to students. What would be his take on your tripling the fees for UK students? You’ve also appointed an abstinence-only organisation to advise you on sexual health. They tried abstinence-only sex ed in America; some evidence has shown not only did it not decrease rates of sexual activity, it may have led to young people taking more risks in terms of contraception. Why not learn from America’s mistakes?
John F Kennedy (whose brother I may have slept with) said, “Leadership and learning are indispensable to each other.” As leaders of the two greatest nations in the world, you and Obama could have used this time more wisely. You should have shown him the benefits of the NHS, properly made tea, and a culture not afraid of intellectual debate. He should have shown you more than just his table tennis skills.
Everyone Needs an Algonquin 
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