‘Twas The Night Before Christmas

24 Dec
Twas the night before Christmas, when into the house
Creeped little drunk Christopher, the Yuletide souse.
The Alka Seltzer was left right next to the Aga,
In hopes he would grab it instead of some lager.
Miss Agatha was nestled all snug in her bed,
Dreams of an incident-free Christmas danced in her head,
Though she quite certain it was too much to ask,
When she discovered that Christopher had taken her flask.
When in the kitchen there arose such a clatter,
She sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
She put on her slippers and her silk dressing gown,
Nipped out of the bedroom and headed straight down.
The amber of the streetlamp flooded the room
As she entered the kitchen, filling with gloom.
When, what to her wondering eyes did she spy,
But a little-too-merry boy, starting to cry.
Though he had promised this year to abstain,
She instantly thought, “Here we go again.”
He claimed to be sorry right down to his core,
Though he was interrupted when he fell to the floor.
Oh Stella! Oh, WKD! Oh, Malibu and Coke!
You’ve turned Christopher’s promises into a joke.
The night before Christmas is a time to deck halls,
But he’s pissed away, pissed away, pissed away all!


I hope your Christmas Eve did not include what has now become a tradition round here, a young man coming in intoxicated and spewing what are clearly the issues he has with his mother onto me. For once I’d like to fall asleep on Christmas Eve, dreaming of sugarplums, rather than questioning my level of tolerance that allows this pisshead to live in my home.

If you prefer the traditional version, enjoy and Happy Christmas to all.

2 Responses to “‘Twas The Night Before Christmas”

  1. caleb Tuesday, 27 December 2011 at 07:36 #

    did you really want an incident free Christmas? how boring! it’s not the holidays unless someone is crying.

    • SW/AWW Thursday, 29 December 2011 at 00:01 #

      ‘Tis true, my friend. I just prefer scenes based on the admissions of adultery or some other betrayal (ahh, the good old days), rather than ones caused by young men who drink too many alcopops and suddenly think it’s appropriate to tell the woman who supports them that her hairstyle is dated. Luckily, I’m man enough to forgive Christopher his sins (though they do go into my “Christopher’s Sins” logbook for future reference).
      Hope your holiday was jolly!

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