How To Solve A Murder

10 May

I certainly don’t want to be an alarmist, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned from the Crime and Investigation Network, it’s that most murders are not solved until there’s at least enough mystery and intrigue to pad out a forty-two minute broadcast. I’ve also learned that we are all likely to be involved in crime, especially if we live in ‘a town where things like this just don’t happen’. Assuming you don’t end up a murder victim (if you do, please disregard this advice), you’re likely to find yourself embroiled in a crime investigation at some point, so here are some hints for wrapping it up neatly.

GATHERING EVIDENCE

1. Don’t let small town cops run the scene. They will walk all over evidence, forget to take photographs and allow onlookers to run amok. Get the Feds in straight away.

2. If the murder weapon is not found near the body, check the bottom of a nearby body of water. It’ll be there. It always is.

3. Any obvious clues are pointing you towards the wrong person.

4. Swab everything. Spray Luminol everywhere. Save some air from the scene in a jar; by the time this case goes cold and then is reopened years from now, they’ll probably be able to get DNA from air so think ahead.

ZEROING IN ON A SUSPECT

1. The closest person to the victim is usually your best suspect. Unless the killer was a stranger. Or it might be someone the victim knew long ago or casually bumped into on the street. Interview all of these options.

2. Do surveillance. Surveillance is cool. Locations to watch are the crime scene, a nearby body of water and the killer’s workplace.

3. Do not bother running the first ten suspects’ DNA or fingerprints through any databases. They won’t turn up any matches.

4. The last person to have seen the victim alive and the first person to see them dead is the killer.

QUESTIONING THE SUSPECT

1. If the suspect knew the victim well, they should be hysterical 24-7. If they’re not, they’re the killer.

2. Check the suspect’s arms for scratches. Innocent people never have scratches on their arms; it’s as simple as that.

3. If the suspect sticks to the same story, it’s been rehearsed. Arrest them. If their story changes at all, they’re covering their tracks. Arrest them.

4. If you’re filming the interrogation, be sure the camera gets your good side.

TRYING THE CASE

1. Don’t worry if you don’t have a motive, weapon or any physical evidence. Those matter much less that you expect.

2. Contact criminal profiler Candice DeLong. Her precise analysis will cover all your bases: ‘Generally speaking, when females kill, they choose people they know. It doesn’t have to be someone they know well. Sometimes they choose a stranger’—if that’s not expert proof, what is? She also takes extreme pleasure in explaining the extreme pleasure people get from killing. The jury will love her, and her television connections will fast track you to stardom.

3. Get Nancy Grace on board. You’re sorted.

4 Responses to “How To Solve A Murder”

  1. Old Doc Brandel Wednesday, 9 May 2012 at 15:53 #

    I’ll never do anything bad, especially murder, around you, Agatha. You are amazing.

    • SW/AWW Wednesday, 9 May 2012 at 22:02 #

      I appreciate this, but please be aware that this comment has been logged as it’s the just kind of clue cops easily overlook but one that could definitely seal a case against you.
      Yours,
      Agatha

  2. MG Thursday, 10 May 2012 at 11:48 #

    “most murders are not solved until there’s at least enough mystery and intrigue to pad out a forty-two minute broadcast.”

    Or in Scandinavia, a good 20 hours.

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00y4z22

  3. Juniper Friday, 18 May 2012 at 21:46 #

    Wonderful! When I’m done laughing, I’ll be posting this all over facebook, Lol!

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