It’s school time again, and students of all ages are sharpening their pencils, pressing their uniforms and buffing up their saddle shoes (yes, I’m talking about masturbation). Sadly, in addition to homework stress and test anxiety, school can also give rise to bullying. The legal definition of bullying is:
1. Getting all up in someone else’s face for no good reason, 2. Being cruel to someone just because they are different (usually better) than you, 3; Just acting like a real dick
Of course, bullying doesn’t just happen to children; grown ups can be victims as well, especially if they’re great big babies about everything.
If you feel like you are being bullied, here are a few proactive steps you can take:
1. Hold your hand up to the bully’s face and state in a firm but calm voice, “Bullying is wrong. Stop bullying me, you big bully.” Give the bully the worst stink eye you can muster. This should help the bully see what a total bellend he (or she, let’s be fair here) is being. This is particularly effective if you can do it in unison with other people, to show everyone that bullying will not be silently tolerated.
2. Report the bullying to a person in power—a form tutor, principal, boss or head of the FBI. Keep clear documentation to present as evidence. If you’ve filmed the bullying, you should not post it to YouTube, even though I bet it’d inspire some hilarious comments.
3. There is strength in numbers, so offer other victims support. Start an anti-bullying support group. But don’t call it that. Refer to it as “Football Club” or “Art Group.” Don’t ask for trouble.
I do not advocate attacking the bully—avoid violent actions or violent words. Fighting back like this is never a good idea: firstly, it takes you down to the bully’s level; secondly, look at your scrawny body. That bully is going to kick the shit out of you and how’s that going to help anyone?
Of course, it can be helpful to remember that bullies bully because they are actually sad, insecure or damaged. If that knowledge gives you some pleasure, make the most of it. Also, you might find it helpful to know that studies show that 99.157%[1] of bullies end up living miserable lives, either in prison, mental institutions or cabinet positions. They’ll suffer eventually, don’t you worry.
If by chance, you are the bully—all I can say is shame on you. I’ve no respect for bullies and I strongly encourage you to change your ways.[2]
Everyone Needs an Algonquin 
You had me at “buffing the saddle shoes”…