Tag Archives: Fashion

Fruit Season

12 May

Even though the weather’s warming up, it doesn’t mean it’s time to start stripping off in public. Is what the policeman advised Christopher after cautioning him on the village green. I don’t normally turn to coppers for fashion advice, but he did have a point.

But in fairness to Christopher, it has been quite nice. The weather people claim we’ll have a real scorcher on our hands this summer. So all sensible people should be getting their bods and wardrobes sorted pronto. I’m no slave to fashion, but there seems to be some generally accepted guidelines bandied about by glossy magazine editors. The first step is to determine your body type.

Naturally, doctors and/or fashionistas have decided to classify women’s bodies by species of fruit. I can only presume they base this on shape, rather than flavour or ability to be made into marmalade, but there are some surprising other similarities as well.


If you have broader shoulders than hips, you are an Apple.

Fashion-wise, it’s helpful to wear to wear the biggest shoulder pads available to really highlight this feature. I’m talking proper Dynasty style babies. This means you can also wear whatever you fancy on the bottom, because no one will be able to look past your huge, manly shoulders.

Apples also tend to keep doctors away so you can give up on any ideas of living beyond your station.


If you’re bigger on the bottom, you’re a pear.  Get over it.

Pears want to keep things simple in terms of trousers and skirts.  No leopard prints or ruffles. Seriously.

Pears, like most pear-shaped women, feel bad they’re not apples. In society, there are negative connotations to big-bottomed shapes, which is, in my opinion, is a crying shame.


Bananas are long and lean.

Wear a belt. Problem solved.

This is probably hearsay but if you peel off a banana-shaped woman’s skin and bake it, you can make LSD. Just something to think about.


If your body looks like this, seek medical help immediately.

The truth is when we’re born, we all have bodies and while these bodies do grow, they stay the same basic shape our whole lives (except women get titties obviously). There’s no reason to begrudge yourself your body’s shape: it is what it is. Look after it, adorn it in pretty clothes and shiny baubles if you want. Bare it if you dare (and the setting is appropriate). It’s important to accept your body and even embrace it (if you’re into that thing).

My Final Word on Men’s Facial Hair

11 Nov

I am sick of being asked about this.

At least twice a day, someone contacts me via telephone, post, email or “tweet” to ask my advice about men’s facial hair. While it is an important and complicated issue, I’m bloody sick of addressing it. So I am going to do it one final time: this is it. Pay attention and take notes because I shan’t be saying it again.

Cleanly Shaved Face:

This is an ideal option for very young and very old men. Because the whole hair-on-the-face-thing is new and fascinating to young men, they tend to want to show it off; however, wearing a sparse moustache or beard indicates their newness to puberty, and for legal reasons, women find it less than appealing. Also, many employers refuse to hire young men because they think they are stupid and lazy. Because both are likely to be true, shaving one’s face can counteract this by showing one is bright enough at least to maneuver a possibly deadly weapon and take the time to do a nice job.

The primary issue old men have with hair is that it is disappearing from their head and sprouting in their ears. Shaving their faces helps them hold on to some kind of control.

Moustache Alone:

In my heart of hearts, I would never suggest that any man wear a moustache but no beard. It’s shameful.

Beard Alone:

Too many men refuse to consider this option and therefore it is ideal for a man who wants to stand out among his peers (without going overboard, see below). It’s ideal for men with especially fanciable lips, those in artistic professions or those trying to unite a divided nation. I personally find it strangely alluring.

Moustache and Beard Combo:

“Hide your flaws” is a famous beauty maxim: all butt ugly men should keep as much hair on their faces as possible. Luckily, others can wear beards and moustaches so the presence of a lot of facial hair doesn’t necessarily indicate a hideous face underneath. In fact, particularly good looking men are encouraged to let their facial hair grow for at least one month out of the year, as long as they permit women to stroke their faces the day they shave it off.

This choice is also appropriate for men who like adventure, those who live in cold climates, and those who have lost their hands in tragic farming accidents. Generally, this type of facial hair should be kept tidy and relatively short, though men with nubs needn’t bother about that.

Unusual Variations:

The only men who wear bizarre facial hairstyles are complete geniuses or utter twats. If you think you’re a genius, you’re likely a twat so you’re safe either way.

Why I’ve tired of addressing this issue is because ultimately there are three things that should guide a man’s choice about how to shave this face: his god, his partner and his common sense. Apparently if he’s lacking all three, he turns to me. Aren’t I the lucky one?

In Praise of Gloves

27 May

As the economy seems to have everyone in quite a smiff, I’ve decided that perhaps I could contribute to the world’s misery by reminding you of the little things in life which are still lovely. I myself have had the good fortune of the sensible financial advice of my dear auntie Penelope and have secured my modest wealth in jam jars in a dry, quiet cupboard so I am not feeling what the newsreaders insist on calling the “credit crunch.” (Cleverly these jam jars are not in my own cupboard; therefore if they go missing as a result of a burglary, any danger and responsibility will fall on my dear friend, Alice Wintergarden.) However, I am appreciative of the fact that even people of good standing may find themselves in a bit of an economic pickle and therefore feel that they may be cheered by hearing something nice from me.

My first object of praise will therefore be the humble but essential glove (and by glove, I, of course, mean pair of gloves unless one has had an incident with a crocodile in Peru as did Auntie Penelope’s dearest old friend, Count Theodore L Theodore). I firmly believe that hands should be covered by gloves always, even more so in today’s economic climate. The gloved hand—-whether it be signing a loan application or extending a greeting to a tribesman—-is a symbol of respect. It says, metaphorically of course, that you are meeting a person who is, at the very least, an equal, and, if we’re honest (though it need not be acknowledged aloud), more likely just that little touch better than you. Therefore, when you shake a gloved hand, do so with reverence and ideally a dainty curtsy.

As I am a woman who lives by her word, I am wearing gloves even as I dictate this missive to my hired man, Christopher, who does both my bush trimming and typing for an incredibly reasonable cost. My gloves are soft white with two petite buttons at the wrist (gloves which extend up the forearm are offensive to both one’s eye and one’s moral standing). My gloves tell you, my readers, that I am a woman who knows who she is and why her hands should not be seen. I cannot think of two more important  aspects of self-knowledge.

So while the newspapers continue to upset the apple cart with their disastrous foreboding, let us all sit back and feel proud and proper in our gloves. The news shall not dictate to us how we live our lives. Nor will it leave black marks on our fingers.

Chins up, dear ones!