Tag Archives: Michael Jackson

Michael Jackson Will Not Be Caught Dead in Our Village

24 Jul

This morning when I was at the post office (mailing out some autographed pictures, so if you have requested one, watch for it in your letter box soon), my eye was caught by a small blue card pinned up on the local notices board. Scrawled in blue ballpoint ink it read: “Michael Jackson Look-Alike Needed, Please ring Mr Gluegeyser on 671972.”

Now, forgive me for dropping names, but I am well acquainted with Mr Gluegeyser in his role as head of our Lacemakers’ Society Guild and he regularly dines at my club. He is normally a very sensible man, but I was so shocked by this public display of stupidity that I confess I took down the card and deposited it in the bin.

Firstly, as a public figure, I find the concept of “look-alikes” morally and ethically offensive.  In fact, I believe they are a violation of integrity and should be illegal. My face implies my name (Miss Agatha Whitt-Wellington) and my name implies my writing and, if someone were to pretend that they had composed any of my works, I can assure you that the law would see that as a breach of copyright (as my relatively long list of previous court cases will testify to). Impersonating a person is the same as publicly announcing, “I have accomplished all these great things,” when clearly all you have done is have been born with a particular nose or had your hair dyed and styled in a certain way.  Those are hardly accomplishments, now are they?

I imagine for most people who by chance resemble a famous person, it is more of an embarrassment than a benefit. I was once approached by a couple at one of my book signings. The man commented that he felt his wife looked like me. I had to then point out that in fact her hips were much wider, her skin much blotchier, her bust much saggier and her eyes not nearly as sparkling as mine. The whole scene was quite uncomfortable for all of us — if only he had left well enough alone instead of forcing me into telling the truth.

The real problem with celebrity look-alikes, though, is that hiring one is the same as lying to the public, which I believe is covered under the Trades Description Act. Mr Gluegeyser is hoping to draw more people to the Guild by convincing them that Michael Jackson will be coming. This is a lie. I don’t know why Michael Jackson would appeal to lacemakers as he never engaged in or supported this activity. Additionally, to the best of my knowledge, Michael Jackson is dead so the likelihood of his stopping off at our village is probably pretty slim anyway. Through this kind of promotion, the Lacemakers’ Society Guild is simply taking our community for fools.

I myself, however, may be available to speak to the Guild in the upcoming weeks. Mr Gluegeyser should feel free to ring Christopher to discuss rates and dates.

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Reflections on The Year 2009 Thus Far

26 Jun

As the month of June draws to a close, I realise how much has changed in 2009 already. We are now half way through the year, little birdies, and I suggest we all take this time to reflect on how we have helped make our world a better place in the last six months. Remember, while many believe that no man is an island, I feel that it’s more helpful to acknowledge that, while we are each individually islands, we all make up part of the Channel Islands and therefore bear the responsibility of keeping our shorelines clear of rubbish, our children’s homes free of unmarked graves, our governments guided by freedom and democracy and our carbon footprints as dainty as possible. Otherwise, we can negatively affect the entire world, particularly the whelk population (and goodness knows how that would influence prices at our local chippy).

I note many of us have already done so much. Some of us are doing our best to keep the promises we made on the campaign trail. Some of us are helping the environment by providing darling duck houses and muck-free moats. Some of us are avoiding further debt by dramatically dying on the eve of a fifty-night tour we knew we were unlikely to complete. Some of us are going so far as rescuing children from their families and homelands purely because we are so certain our lifestyles would be preferable to them. While not all of us can achieve such acts of courage and self-sacrifice, as Marks and Spencer says, “Every little bit helps!”

To provide you with a guideline for your self-reflection, I have listed below the ways in which I have humbly attempted to help humanity so far this year.

1. Socially
On a global level, my contribution to society is unparalleled. As you know my social calendar is rarely empty. My primary motivation for this is because I am well aware that my presence at social events provides others with inspiration, one of the greatest gifts anyone can give in our quotidian, humdrum world.
On a more personal level, I rang my mother on Mothering Sunday, despite the fact that doing so put me in a foul mood for the rest of the day, and I continue to support Christopher in all of his creative endeavours, most recently encouraging his newfound interest in Greco-Roman wrestling.

2. Environmentally
I have recently had to change the birdseed I put out in my feeders as my previous brand is no longer being stocked at my local shop. The birds seem to enjoy this new food immensely. Chalk up yet another eco-system improved by me.

3. Financially
We are all suffering in the current financial climate, charitable organisations even more so.  Although I prefer to keep these contributions as anonymous as possible, I must confess to recently making a rather large financial donation to a well-respected charity in exchange for a large consignment of left-over chocolate oranges which I intend to distribute to admirers overseas this Yuletide.

4. Politically
Every time I dine with our MP, I insist upon leaving the gratuity thereby relieving my Right Honorable friend of any temptation to inappropriately fiddle with his expenses.

5. Creatively
Of course, as I have done every year of my adult life, I painstakingly continue to improve the world of art and literature through my copious amount of publications.  This year, however, I have gone even a step further by conquering the Internet and therefore reaching readers who may previously had been unable to afford to frequent the types of shops which sell my books (they don’t come cheap, I can tell you). While inevitably this means a loss of income to me personally, I am prepared to make this sacrifice as I care more about the world as a whole than I do my bankbook and besides a few hundred pounds here and there means nothing to someone of my substantial wealth.

Dear readers, I beg you to please take this opportunity to reflect on your own contributions to the world in 2009 thus far. By acknowledging your previous accomplishments, you will be able to plan how you can continue to do good for the latter half of the year. Keep the list limited to one side of A4 paper though as being too self-congratulatory makes one appear frightfully unattractive.

Each of you, regardless of your insignificance, must matter in some way to the world. I can at least confirm you matter a little bit to one Miss Agatha Whitt-Wellington!

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