Michael Jackson Will Not Be Caught Dead in Our Village

24 Jul

This morning when I was at the post office (mailing out some autographed pictures, so if you have requested one, watch for it in your letter box soon), my eye was caught by a small blue card pinned up on the local notices board. Scrawled in blue ballpoint ink it read: “Michael Jackson Look-Alike Needed, Please ring Mr Gluegeyser on 671972.”

Now, forgive me for dropping names, but I am well acquainted with Mr Gluegeyser in his role as head of our Lacemakers’ Society Guild and he regularly dines at my club. He is normally a very sensible man, but I was so shocked by this public display of stupidity that I confess I took down the card and deposited it in the bin.

Firstly, as a public figure, I find the concept of “look-alikes” morally and ethically offensive. In fact, I believe they are a violation of integrity and should be illegal. My face implies my name (Miss Agatha Whitt-Wellington) and my name implies my writing and, if someone were to pretend that they had composed any of my works, I can assure you that the law would see that as a breach of copyright (as my relatively long list of previous court cases will testify to). Impersonating a person is the same as publicly announcing, “I have accomplished all these great things,” when clearly all you have done is have been born with a particular nose or had your hair dyed and styled in a certain way. Those are hardly accomplishments, now are they?

I imagine for most people who by chance resemble a famous person, it is more of an embarrassment than a benefit. I was once approached by a couple at one of my book signings. The man commented that he felt his wife looked like me. I had to then point out that in fact her hips were much wider, her skin much blotchier, her bust much saggier and her eyes not nearly as sparkling as mine. The whole scene was quite uncomfortable for all of us — if only he had left well enough alone instead of forcing me into telling the truth.

The real problem with celebrity look-alikes, though, is that hiring one is the same as lying to the public, which I believe is covered under the Trades Description Act. Mr Gluegeyser is hoping to draw more people to the Guild by convincing them that Michael Jackson will be coming. This is a lie. I don’t know why Michael Jackson would appeal to lacemakers as he never engaged in or supported this activity. Additionally, to the best of my knowledge, Michael Jackson is dead so the likelihood of his stopping off at our village is probably pretty slim anyway. Through this kind of promotion, the Lacemakers’ Society Guild is simply taking our community for fools.

I myself, however, may be available to speak to the Guild in the upcoming weeks. Mr Gluegeyser should feel free to ring Christopher to discuss rates and dates.