Tag Archives: Politics

Look Pretty, Talk Pretty: Advice for the Presidential Debates

2 Oct

As an internationally known expert on public speaking, I have been inundated the last few weeks with requests for my debate advice from campaign managers on both sides of the US political battle. Listen, people, I am just one woman. I simply cannot do everything others request of me. Even if I wanted to (which is only about half of the time anyway). I’m going to be honest with you: sending me multiple emails on the same day you’ve left two answerphone messages already does nothing to hasten my reply; actually, it just irritates me.

However—despite the hassles, not because of them—I’ve been moved to share some of my insights with the candidates. Why? Because I love my country and I hate stupidity. Please listen carefully as I intend to say this just once.

Let’s begin by looking at what you can learn from others. From my thorough analysis of the 2010 British election, we can take away important lessons from the three candidates there:

  • David Cameron teaches us that if you look doughy in life, you will look five times more doughy on television. Get yourself camera-ready, but don’t go crazy with the hair product or make-up (or fake tan).
  • Gordon Brown  teaches us that doing things that don’t come naturally (in his case smiling) is not going to fool anyone.
  • Nick Clegg teaches us that if you make promises that you cannot keep, you will end up curled in the foetal position because an entire nation sees you as pathetic and/or bastard-like.

One thing that is important to remember is that this is a debate—not a campaign speech. This means you are going to be required to actually listen to what the other person is saying. I know it’s hard to listen to someone else besides yourself speak, but it really is quite important. First of all, not listening appears rude and no one wants a rude president. Secondly, if you’re going to argue against something, it’s relatively important to know exactly what that is. Just arguing against everything a person says simply because they’re a Republican or Democrat just makes you look like an idiot. Even Republicans know that.

It’s also essential that you actually listen to yourself when you speak; after all, the voting public will be listening as well. Use key terms like “community,” “responsibility” and “logic.” But use them wisely. Let’s say you are arguing against raising taxes, saying that it’s more “logical” that when financial resources are low to stop spending (on foolish things like health and social care) and save instead. Fine. So surely you’ll be applying this same “logic” to green issues as well, arguing that we should save our environmental resources (especially since we can’t replace them), yes? See? See why it’s important to listen to the things you say? Come on now, THINK.

Don’t interrupt the other person by saying “Imma let you finish but…” Once something becomes an internet meme, it’s no longer funny. In fact, no jokes full stop. Leave the political humor to Todd Akin—that guy is hilarious with the stupid stuff he says!

Lastly, President Obama, no singing. I mean you’re good and all, but a debate is just simply the wrong venue for an impromptu concert.

Best of luck to you both!

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Apologies: The Good, The Bad and The Tuneful

22 Sep

Apologies should be rather simple affairs. A good apology needs to do three things:

  • be genuine
  • admit responsibility
  • indicate a willingness to change

At this point, you’re probably with me. You’re probably thinking of all the times you’ve been wronged and how you deserved an apology which embraces the three concepts outlined above. However, just hold up there, Nelly. Let’s talk about you for a second here. When was the last time you gave a real apology? When you said sorry for bumping into that old man on the bus, were you genuinely remorseful? I actually saw you and could tell that you didn’t mean it at all. So maybe you shouldn’t get up on your high horse and actually listen and learn.

Nick Clegg should have listened and learned as well. By now you have seen/read about/ridiculed/sung along with his recent apology video.

You know I have a bit of a soft spot for old Cleggers—I can’t help it, I tend to take pity of the pathetic and lonely in our society. But if he was intending to win back supporters with a heartfelt mea culpa, he failed miserably. Let’s analyse!

We made a promise before the election that we would vote against any rise in fees under any circumstances. But that was a mistake. It was a pledge made with the best of intentions, but we shouldn’t have made a promise we weren’t absolutely sure we could deliver. I shouldn’t have committed to a policy that was so expensive when there was no money around, not least when the most likely way we’d end up in government was in coalition with Labor or the Conservatives who were both committed to put fees up. I know that we fought to get the best policy we could in those circumstances, but I also realise that isn’t the point. There’s no easy way to say this: we made a pledge, we didn’t stick to it, and for that, I am sorry. When you’ve made a mistake, you should apologise. But more important, most important of all, you’ve got to learn from your mistakes. And that’s what we will do. I will never again make a pledge unless as a party, we are absolutely clear about how we can keep it.

Here’s why it’s crap:

Is it genuine?
No, I don’t believe it to be. Why not? Because I don’t believe what Nick Clegg says anymore. Sorry, liars, but this is what happens when you lie. It’s hard for others to believe anything you say after you prove that you say things that aren’t true.

Does he admit responsibility?
No. He blames it on his innocence, his confusion about how the government machine works. “There was no money around”? Really? There was enough money for seventy four launches of the Big Society, there was enough money for loads of bullshit, because that’s how government works. Everyone—even the Lib Dems—knows that’s how government works.

Also, by claiming “the most likely way we’d end up in government was in coalition,” Clegg is saying the Liberal Democrats never had a chance. That wasn’t what he was saying before the election, and it’s not what people believed after the debates. I know it’s hard to imagine now, but many people voted for the Lib Dems because they wanted Nick Clegg to be prime minister. For him to now say, ‘we didn’t know how hard government is, the big boy rules are way tougher than we thought,’ well, that’s just poor, Nick.

Does it indicate a willingness to change?
No, even though he wanted it to. If we look closely at the “learn from your mistakes” section, we see that what he’s really saying is that he won’t make pledges anymore unless he’s sure he can keep them. But nothing in politics is ever guaranteed. What he should have said is in future he will keep his promises.

As I’ve said before, it’s wisest to avoid having to apologise by not fucking up in the first place. But we’re all humans and humans do mistakes. It’s never easy to make a public apology—from Jimmy Swaggart’s to David Letterman’s—it’s a difficult act to pull off. Perhaps Nick Clegg should have studied the master of the political apology: Richard Nixon.

It’s clearly genuine as the regret is written all over his face. By repeating “I let down,” he shows he is taking full responsibility for his mistake. And was he willing to change? Well, he never tried to cover up any break-ins ever again. In fact, in 1982, when he had to bust out his car window because he’d locked the keys inside, he took out a full page ad in the New York Times detailing the entire event. Nixon’s apology changed his legacy forever. Did you hear those tributes that poured in after he died? People were able to forget about his criminal actions, the thousands of people killed by his military decisions, and the tons of other damage he did to American society and democracy. The flags were at half mast for a whole month, for Christ’s sake!

That could have been you, Nick!

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