There are some real misconceptions about the eating of crust on bread. Some claim that it’s the healthiest part. Many people feel it is too common to put down one’s throat. Obviously this debate is pointless.
A similarly pointless debate is about dangerous pets. I’m not denying it’s sad when a child gets mauled, but whenever this occurs it inevitably leads to a debate about owning dangerous pets. The issue, of course, is not the pets themselves, but the idiots who own them. Animals (like children) need to be nurtured, nourished and neutered; if a person is unwilling to take these responsibilities seriously, it is they who should be “humanely destroyed,” not the dogs, chimpanzees or budgerigars. Remember, guns don’t kill people; people kill people.
Having shared my life with a great menagerie of animal friends, I wanted to produce an informative pamphlet that I feel all potential pet owners should browse before making their lifetime commitments. Unfortunately the RSPCA was unwilling to fund my work on said pamphlet so I’m afraid the cheeks of small children and the animals who sink their teeth into them will have to continue to bear the brunt of this organisation’s selfish budgetary decisions. Being the good citizen that I am, though, I am willing to donate a few moments of my time to post a few suggestions here.
It is important to remember that while all humans are also animals, not all animals are humans. This is why you should never dress them in human clothes nor give them access to weapons of any sort. Although pets clearly can become members of the family, remember that their animal instincts can kick in at any time. If an animal is hungry or angry, he will scrounge or attack. It’s just human nature.
Addit
ionally, animals need to be trained and they learn from what they see. When a pup sees you kiss a child on the nose, he will want to do the same. Then your child’s face is ripped off and suddenly you’ve started a Daily Mail campaign to have the breed eliminated. Come on now. You shouldn’t be that surprised—animals see then animals do.
Needless to say all, animals need food, water, shelter and medical treatment. If you can’t provide these, you definitely should not own a pet. Concentrate on doing your best with your children instead (note: they need food, water, shelter and medicine as well.)
In terms of exotic pets, my feeling is quite clear: leave them be. There are probably moral reasons to avoid them but most importantly, exotic pets are often unattractive and associating with anything unattractive reflects negatively on you. They do say people start to look like their pets, don’t forget.
Lastly, men who wear gold rings and women whose bra straps are ever visible in public should not be allowed to have a pet. In fact they shouldn’t be allowed to have a child. Scratch that: they just shouldn’t be allowed.
Everyone Needs an Algonquin 
Dear Agatha:
My Uncle once had a badger who ran for Congress in Minnesota. Sadly, he lost. But it was close.
There was a man in my building who had not one, not two, but three uneutered rottweilers, all in one small living space. Always figured that was a recipe for a mauling.