Men. You gotta love them, what with their briefcases, insecurities, external genitalia and all.
Recently one of my admirers enquired about the ideal way to woo a lady of my cachet. I was charmed by his moxie as well as his attached photo, so I immediately began a detailed response to his query. However, I realised that he may not be the only young man feeling a bit overwhelmed by the changes in the “dating game,” so I’ve decided to take this opportunity to share my advice with all of you losers.
- Ignore any advice given to you by another man (father, brother, that man your mother asked you to call uncle even though he’s really just her “special friend”). They don’t know what they’re talking about. If they did, they’d be too busy shagging to have time to stick their noses into your love life.
- My first piece of guidance is to better yourself before you even think about getting involved with a woman. Seriously, look at yourself—who in their right mind would be interested in knobbing that? Read a few books, learn a foreign language, watch a few films, put your comic books in the attic. Before you put yourself “on the market,” you’ve got to have a product others would be interested in purchasing or at least renting with the option to buy.
- In addition to building up your mind, keep your body in reasonable shape. While not all women demand perfection in the male physique, we do have some standards. Update your wardrobe—remember, you are what you wear. Hygiene is also important. I mean, do I really have to be telling you these things? No wonder you’re alone.
- Be bold when approaching a woman you’re interested in. Don’t be afraid to go up to a woman you don’t know and introduce yourself. Yes, you may get pepper-sprayed a few times. But surely you can cope with having profound vision loss in one eye if it means finding Miss Right.
- When talking to a woman, limit the amount of references to your penis to zero. Men are fascinated with cock talk but women, less so, so keep it confined to the locker room. Extremely unattractive is discussing others’ opinions of your member. Women aren’t particularly interested in the testimony of others, whether it’s from previous users or doctors who specialise in abnormalities.
- It’s true that to curry a woman’s favour, a man should steer the talk towards the lady herself. This isn’t because women are the vainer sex; it’s because they’re the more interesting sex. Do you know how boring it is to hear a man talk about himself? Ask your mental health counsellor or parish priest, they’ll tell you.
- Ask her questions, as long as you’re prepared to accept the answers. If you’re not going to be able to handle the fact that she is better than you at almost everything, you may struggle.
- If things are going swimmingly, it’s perfectly acceptable to try your chances on the first date. Gently touch her hand or knee, give her a quick peck on the cheek. If she doesn’t press charges, you’re in there, my son.
- If things are going less than swimmingly, wrap up the interaction quickly. You’re not doing anyone any good by prolonging the inevitable awkwardness. Don’t worry that she might have her feelings hurt. If you haven’t enjoyed the date, it’s unlikely she’s found much to write home about either. Cut your losses, make your apologies and vacate the premises, leaving as few contact details and as little DNA as possible.
Following the above advice should help you make a start towards finding love. It’s not an easy task but my motto has always been the harder, the better. When it comes to love, the challenge of finding it is always worth the pay off of receiving it.
Go get ’em, tiger!
Everyone Needs an Algonquin 
Dear Agatha,
As an artist and film geek of the feminine persuasion, may I add to your excellent advice?
Dear Men,
There is no need to put the comic books in the attic. If you love (insert obsession here) don’t go looking for a mate among women who hate that very same thing. To often I’ve seen couples whose relationships are based on mere animal attraction. To paraphrase Oscar Wilde: it is the intellectual sympathies that make for a lasting relationship. (Too bad he did not follow his own advice!) Too often I have seen men relegated to the garage while their wives rule the home, scrapbooking and hosting all-girl tea parties.
A man of my acquaintance had decorated his bachelor pad with giant inflatable animals, but made the mistake of moving in with a woman whose taste was straight out of one of the less adventurous homemaking magazines. Their apartment was a symphony in beige. Needless to say, he and his friends spent most of their time in a tiny man cave improvised from the spare bedroom.
Moved by pity, at his next birthday I presented him with a magnificent six-foot tall inflatable Gumby, which he insisted be proudly displayed her perfect beige living room. Needless to say that was the beginning of the end.
In summary- gentlemen, look beyond the outer woman. Look into her soul. If you’re a comic geek, don’t go for the blond in the bar but the shy spotty miss at the comic shop. Shop for rare editions together and you won’t end up living in the garage.
Yours,
Leslie
An excellent addendum!