Tag Archives: Dating

Stranger Danger: Not Just For Children Anymore

14 Oct

We used to live in a world where not only did parents not have to warn their kids about strangers, relationships between children and mysterious adults were actually encouraged. Parents would often suggest their sons and daughters do odd jobs around strangers’ houses, take their money and sweets, get into their vans. Ahhh, good times. But those days are gone. Kids today—at home and at school—are repeatedly pounded like fists with the message that stranger equals danger.

Sadly, our world has become so effed up that I believe the Stranger Danger mantra is beneficial advice for grown women as well. Particularly when it comes to the dating scene, too many ladies are “hooking up” with strangers to disastrous results. I could you cite you thousands of horrible, blood curdling stories of broken hearts, lives and engagements, but I am not in the business of scaring people. Instead, just think on this: remember that last jerk you dated? Who was he before you met him? Answer: a stranger.

So if you can’t date strangers, whom am I suggesting you date? Well, firstly, I must remind you that we are living in the 21st century where love and marriage are teetering on the edge of extinction. The truth is: you needn’t date anyone. Flirt, dally with, shag, all fine, I don’t care. But if you are still chasing that boyfriend-girlfriend-happy-ever-after dream, I would suggest you get with the program.

But alas, I know that not all women are as enlightened as I and the continued popularity of padded bras, dating websites and issues of Cosmopolitan magazine indicates that ladies are still actively looking for love in all the wrong places. Cease and desist forthwith. If you’re going to date, date someone you already know.

Make a list of the people you know. Exclude anyone who is related to you by blood. Cross out any exes. Erase anyone you work with—it might seem tempting at a drunken Christmas party, but office romances rarely end well. Also, get rid of anyone with whom you have a doctor-patient relationship. When the relationship goes sour (which it eventually will), you’re going to have get a new GP and if you think finding a permanent partner is difficult, good luck finding two decent doctors in one lifetime.

It’s likely there is one group of candidates left on your list: your friends’ partners. Do I shock you? Well, hear me out. I am certainly not suggesting that you participate in an illicit affair. As you know, I believe trust and honesty are points of paramount significance between friends. Your assumption that I would suggest such a betrayal is appalling to me.

Instead, gather all your coupled friends around the table and propose a deal. If you explain that you need some attention, some affection, perhaps even a bit of rumpy pumpy, I can guarantee that at least one of your friends is sick to death of those very things and would gladly offer up her partner to you in exchange for something she needs: a break. Between the two of you, you’ll be able to devise a mutually beneficial arrangement.

Now this solution will only be temporary, of course, but all those blind dates, online chats and singles nights at bars won’t be leading to anything permanent either. You know that. This strategy has many advantages: your friend has already told her partner all of your worst qualities so you needn’t try to hard to be someone else. Naturally, you already know the good, bad and ugly of the partner so you know in advance which areas to avoid (finances, work stress) and which to accentuate (athletic skills, nipples). You’ve also got a built-in break up strategy—the phrase “we can’t do this to her anymore” will end it quite quickly. Plus you’ll be helping your friend out. Everybody’s a winner.

Wise and wonderful women around the world know that when it comes to finding love, strangers are just too risky. Recycling isn’t just for rubbish: a secondhand romance may be just what you need.

Just For Men: Woo and How to Pitch It

20 Jul

Men. You gotta love them, what with their briefcases, insecurities, external genitalia and all.

Recently one of my admirers enquired about the ideal way to woo a lady of my cachet. I was charmed by his moxie as well as his attached photo, so I immediately began a detailed response to his query. However, I realised that he may not be the only young man feeling a bit overwhelmed by the changes in the “dating game,” so I’ve decided to take this opportunity to share my advice with all of you losers.

  • Ignore any advice given to you by another man (father, brother, that man your mother asked you to call uncle even though he’s really just her “special friend”). They don’t know what they’re talking about. If they did, they’d be too busy shagging to have time to stick their noses into your love life.
  • My first piece of guidance is to better yourself before you even think about getting involved with a woman. Seriously, look at yourself—who in their right mind would be interested in knobbing that? Read a few books, learn a foreign language, watch a few films, put your comic books in the attic. Before you put yourself “on the market,” you’ve got to have a product others would be interested in purchasing or at least renting with the option to buy.
  • In addition to building up your mind, keep your body in reasonable shape. While not all women demand perfection in the male physique, we do have some standards. Update your wardrobe—remember, you are what you wear. Hygiene is also important. I mean, do I really have to be telling you these things? No wonder you’re alone.
  • Be bold when approaching a woman you’re interested in. Don’t be afraid to go up to a woman you don’t know and introduce yourself. Yes, you may get pepper-sprayed a few times. But surely you can cope with having profound vision loss in one eye if it means finding Miss Right.
  • When talking to a woman, limit the amount of references to your penis to zero. Men are fascinated with cock talk but women, less so, so keep it confined to the locker room. Extremely unattractive is discussing others’ opinions of your member. Women aren’t particularly interested in the testimony of others, whether it’s from previous users or doctors who specialise in abnormalities.
  • It’s true that to curry a woman’s favour, a man should steer the talk towards the lady herself. This isn’t because women are the vainer sex; it’s because they’re the more interesting sex. Do you know how boring it is to hear a man talk about himself? Ask your mental health counsellor or parish priest, they’ll tell you.
  • Ask her questions, as long as you’re prepared to accept the answers.  If you’re not going to be able to handle the fact that she is better than you at almost everything, you may struggle.
  • If things are going swimmingly, it’s perfectly acceptable to try your chances on the first date.  Gently touch her hand or knee, give her a quick peck on the cheek. If she doesn’t press charges, you’re in there, my son.
  • If things are going less than swimmingly, wrap up the interaction quickly. You’re not doing anyone any good by prolonging the inevitable awkwardness. Don’t worry that she might have her feelings hurt. If you haven’t enjoyed the date, it’s unlikely she’s found much to write home about either. Cut your losses, make your apologies and vacate the premises, leaving as few contact details and as little DNA as possible.

Following the above advice should help you make a start towards finding love. It’s not an easy task but my motto has always been the harder, the better. When it comes to love, the challenge of finding it is always worth the pay off of receiving it.

Go get ’em, tiger!

A Modest Proposal Which Just May Save Young People from the Misery of Feeling Content

4 Sep

As my regular readers know, I am more than concerned about the disconnection which seems to be affecting young people today. No longer able to ride their bikes around parks nor bully smaller, weaker children, the young people of today have grown up without a sense of community. As they blossom into young adults, they see themselves purely as individuals, some so satisfied with their existence that they choose not to select a partner. This is so disappointing. They never know the joy of meeting someone one finds barely tolerable and merging with them into a union of mediocrity that can bring tears to the eyes.

However, having recently conquered the largely untapped world of the internet, I have come up with a solution that may help these young people to lose their self-contentment and better appreciate that they are nothing without someone else.

In the few short days since I have been publishing online, I have been overwhelmed by the amount of contact I have had. I knew I had a loyal public but publishing in this way has allowed me to reach even more lovely people. In fact my box has been getting so much traffic, I’ve had to ask Christopher to leave my bush alone for awhile to give him time to sort through some of my correspondence. You may never know the wonderful feeling it brings to one’s heart to receive devoted messages from all over the world: offers of thanks, congratulations and erection maintenance medication. Just this morning I received an email from a Nigerian royal offering me a large sum of money, simply because his father had requested he give it to someone “nice” and of all the people on Earth, he chose me. I’ve also had a number of, shall we say, rather amorous notes, though Christopher assures me that they are not really appropriate escorts for a woman of my standing. While I trust his judgment, I do wonder if there’s not a hint of the green-eyed monster behind his analysis (and the look on Christopher’s face as he types this only confirms this suspicion).

While the majority of young people are obviously not as well read, well traveled, well spoken or as modest as me, I truly believe that if I have had such success with the internet, they can, too.  I suggest to someone that an internet meeting place be designed so that people can write up a brief description of themselves, perhaps even attach a photo, and then wait patiently until a stranger deems their brief life history interesting enough to connect with. They can then contact their new friend via email and perhaps eventually speak on the phone. After this has happened, a date could be arranged. I anticipate that once this match is made, a life long commitment must surely be forthcoming. Then the world will have two less single, happy people to concern ourselves with.

Computer whizz kids, I’ve given you the crumb of the idea—-now get baking!