Happy New Year, Pricks

31 Dec

As you welcome in the New Year, please take a moment to remember those less fortunate than yourself.

I don’t mean the poor, ill, lonely and/or disenfranchised as there will be plenty of time to think of them tomorrow when you’re already feeling like shit. I am referring to anyone who—through their own dumb ignorance, wretched luck or bad taste—does not share in life’s pleasures as you and I do. We too often forget that people like this do exist:

  • The men for whom “Wanted Dead or Alive” triggers important life-changing memories.
  • The women who think it’s okay to put decals on their fingernails.
  • The young people who think Lady Gaga gives an “intense performance.”
  • The old people who can’t wear skinny jeans.
  • Anyone who drinks Boone’s Farm out of choice, rather than necessity.
  • Robert Conrad who still has to live with the shame.

Raise a toast tonight to these sad fuckers. And then go about your usual New Year’s Eve shenanigans.

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