The Olympics: The World Coming Together To Do Something Nice For Once In Its Life

26 Jul

The Olympic brouhaha: yes, it exists. We all knew it would and we were right. Babies need their own tickets but might not be sitting with their parents? Check. Budget issues? Check. carrying the torch? Of course. Security bungles? Got ’em. Confusing the South Korean flag for North Korean one? Yup. Boris Johnson? Obviously.

However, as the old man who appears to be living in an empty shed behind the primary school told me as I passed him this morning, “Catch the Olympic spirit, duck! Why not?” He has a point. Why not get excited for something that at least kind of temporarily unifies the world in the spirit of goodwill, dedication and sportsmanship? Before I had a chance to respond to him, he shouted, “Go for the gold!” then tipped over and fell asleep in a puddle of urine (I presume his own). I think we can find inspiration in his unintentionally wise words.

I shan’t be attending any of the events myself. I entered the lottery and did receive a few tickets, but I decided to be generous and donate them to a charity to make some poor kiddy’s Olympic dream come true. (A little boy from Laos received them, though I’ve got no idea who’s paying for his and his family’s flight to London but I can tell you for sure it ain’t gonna be me). I feel like my act of kindness is a perfect example of the positivity that the Olympic games can foster.

If you’re not much a sports fan, it’s easy to feel intimidated (read: bored) by the event, but there really is something for everyone at the Games. You’ve got twenty-four hours left, so use it wisely to learn something about what’s going to be happening here over the next few weeks. Stop being so difficult and just get with the programme, why don’t you?

Five Things Olympic Skeptics Should Consider:

  • Most of the athletes’ bodies are pretty damn easy on the eye and are usually displayed in tight and/or skimpy clothing. Those of you who normally have to shamefacedly ogle sexy, young things can do so openly during the Olympics. Cheer while you’re ogling, and you’ll earn respect for your patriotism.
  • The BBC will be broadcasting 2,500 hours of TV, radio and online coverage of the Olympics, none of which will be fronted by Fearne Cotton. That fact alone is bound to bring joy to the entire viewing public.
  • I don’t support gambling, as you know, but there’s some good money to be made if you place your bets wisely. For some insider information, look no further than this: I’d stake Christopher’s inheritance on Cyrek Nazwisko from Poland taking home the gold in Men’s Singles Synchronized Swimming. Apparently his precision is impeccable, and he’s an underdog as well which always makes for a happy ending (and large cash payout).
  • The Olympics are an ideal educational experience for children and adults alike. Two hundred and five nations are sending more than 10,000 athletes to London so there will be ample opportunities for learning about different cultures and customs while laughing at their silly names and ridiculous national anthems.
  • Basically, every copper in the country is going to be occupied elsewhere so if you’ve been meaning to have it out with that bloke who borrowed your ladder but never returned it, now might be a good time to break into his garage and take it back. You can thank the Olympians for helping you resolve that issue.

If you’re not interested in the Olympics, you’re not interested, and I’m not going to fight you over it. If you want to be stubborn and throw away a chance to enjoy something nice for a change, you’ve got that right.

But I’ll just leave you with this thought: the Olympic motto is “Faster, Higher, Stronger.” Remember the last time you heard those words and chose to ignore them? That’s right, it was the night before your ex girlfriend chucked you and told the whole town how crap you are in bed. Think about it.

7 Responses to “The Olympics: The World Coming Together To Do Something Nice For Once In Its Life”

  1. MG Friday, 27 July 2012 at 12:47 #

    Yeah, let’s stop being killjoys and all get behind Dow Chemicals, MacDonalds, Coca Cola, Adidas and their sinister Orwellian Brand Police busy doing a great job fining anyone eating chips from ye olde chip shop and ejecting people from stadiums who have a logo other than the above on their tee-shirts! Greedier, richer, crapper!

    • SW/AWW Friday, 27 July 2012 at 14:25 #

      That’s the spirit!

      By the way did I mention, I’m got a new book coming out? It’s a little mystery I whipped up at my publisher’s request called “Death of a Shot-Putter” set in the 1932 Olympic Village. You’ll also get a voucher for a free Olympic Happy Meal. Available for a limited time only.

      Buy it if you love your country!

  2. HM Saturday, 28 July 2012 at 06:09 #

    It’s just a global X Factor–But let’s just ignore the corporatism behind all of this, the guise upon which the Olympics is functioning-“uniting the world” blah blah, the millions/billions spent on all of this when we’ve got bigger issues-ah, but as long as Cotton ain’t presenting I’ll blind myself to all of it.

  3. MG Saturday, 28 July 2012 at 11:55 #

    Oh no, I actually had a peek at the opening ceremony last night and got suckered in and ended up watching all of it and even getting a bit emotional . I’m now one of them, like in Invasion of the Body Snatchers!

    I’ll keep a look out for your book.

    • SW/AWW Saturday, 28 July 2012 at 15:51 #

      Have you hung up bunting? Please tell me you haven’t hung up bunting. There’s a fine line between joining in and going mad, and I don’t want to lose you to the other side, my dear.
      If you find yourself rearranging your day to maximise Olympic telly coverage, seek help immediately.

      • MG Sunday, 29 July 2012 at 12:28 #

        Thank you for your concern, but I think normal order has been restored. I am already getting annoyed by the wall to wall TV coverage and find I am gradually losing the will to live due to sport’s pundits on new’s programmes discussing how some person I have never heard of has managed to jump 0.5 of a millimetre higher than some other person I’ve never heard of and how we should all think this is somehow amazing.


  1. Um, Actually I think It’s Your Round « Everyone Needs an Algonquin - Monday, 17 December 2012

    […] Question 13: To whom did I donate my Olympics tickets? […]

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