Tag Archives: Internet

No One Is Entitled To An Opinion

1 Oct

My goodness, there’s a lot of shite talked on the Internet!

Of course, there are websites where important information and clever discourse are shared, but alas, they are few and far between. Most of what the Internet shares is neither big nor clever, but rather the kind of bollocks that comes out of the mouth of Jonny Chav after a night of drinking Special Brew and kicking the shit out of someone’s granny.

There’s no better place to see this ignorance in action than in the Comments section of pretty much every site on the web, regardless of the publisher’s own purpose.  If you don’t believe me, spend a quarter of an hour browsing a few.  Take the bullets out of your gun before you do, though, because you’re likely to have lost the will to live within minutes of reading.

I was really hoping when President Obama came into office promising to change our world for the better that he’d be able to clean up the Internet. However, I appreciate that he’s got to have priorities, which explains why he’s not gotten to it just yet (but not why he hasn’t closed Guantanamo Bay). Until it’s all sorted, I propose some basic rules about making comments on the web. I, of course, do not control the world (yet), so at this point, please consider them suggestions rather than requirements.  I suppose I am appealing to people’s common sense, which I know is problematic as not all people possess common sense (I need look no further than my publisher’s recent edit suggestions to know this—absolutely outrageous!), but we’ve got to start somewhere.

1. If you feel a strong reaction to the piece you’ve just read, consider who wrote it. If they are a twat, do not write a comment. Twats will never learn, no matter how reasoned your argument may be. Instead of trying to right the wrong through an Internet thread, go out and actually try to right the wrong. You probably won’t accomplish any real progress, but you might meet some new people and/or get some sun on that pasty face of yours.

2.  If you feel a strong reaction to the comments about a piece you’ve just read, do not write a comment. Firstly, there apparently exist some people who say upsetting things on comment threads just to rile or hurt others. In a civilised society, these people would either be locked up or employed as pastors in Florida.  Don’t engage with them. If you think a person genuinely believes the upsetting things they’ve written in their comment, they are most likely a twat (see #1).

3. If you do not already possess some knowledge of the topic being discussed, do not write a comment. Instead go learn more about the topic. There are laws (or if there aren’t, there should be) which prevent two-year-olds from walking into an oncology conference and taking the podium to make claims about the latest bone marrow transplant breakthroughs—offering up an uninformed opinion on a comment thread is equally useless (and will confirm to others that you still make poo poo in your diaper). If you think you already possess some knowledge of the topic being discussed, be pretty damn sure before you write anything. If you feel compelled to use phrases like “My mate told me. . .” or “I think I read somewhere that . . . ” you probably don’t know enough about the topic to contribute to a worthwhile discussion. This isn’t a criticism (well, it kind of is); but seriously, it just makes sense.

4. Godwin’s Law proposes that all Internet debates will eventually lead to someone making a comparison involving Nazis and therefore the debate becomes null and void. Sadly, this is likely and not restricted to Internet-only disagreements.  The new protocol is that unless a person can appropriately and critically explain all of Hitler’s political ideology (and no, being able to recite Mein Kampf word-for-word is not the same thing), they are prohibited from references to Nazism.

5. In the same vein, do not include any word or phrase in your comment that you cannot properly define.  Particularly tricky terms include (but aren’t limited to) socialism, political correctness, middle class, immigrant, right, wrong, freedom and your.

If you’ve followed these guidelines and still really want to make a comment, go ahead and write one.  Write the best, most brilliant comment ever written. But don’t hit submit. Instead consider how much time you’ve just spent at the computer. You’re not getting any younger, you know. Don’t waste what’s left of your life making a mockery of the art of intelligent conversation on a global stage. Use your time more wisely.

And if you still want your comment to appear on the Internet, I can’t stop you. But realise it probably means you are a twat. Or a Nazi. Or both.

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The Internet Is Tricking You

19 Feb
Come for the click-bait; stay for the advice.

Come for the click-bait; stay for the advice.

You may have arrived here because you like Benedict Cumberbatch. That’s fine, no reason not to, just because he once refused to share a cab with me, claiming he was allergic to my perfume. I don’t hold grudges; if anything, I pity him if it’s true that he can never enjoy the smell of lilacs (though I wonder if he’d have been so insistent had he known the bottle of scent was given to me by Terence Stamp).

Regardless. Here’s the thing. You won’t find anything here about Benedict Cumberbatch (excluding the anecdote above, obviously). You were led here under false pretenses. Because, my dears, the Internet is lying to you.

I am terribly sorry to be the one to tell you about this.

Now let me ask, what do you think of when you think of the Internet? What visual image appears in that little head of yours? Perhaps it’s a big ‘ol mess of wires connecting countries on a map. Wrong. That’s not the Internet.

Maybe you prefer to think smaller and simply picture your own little device whenever you think of the Internet. I like that you’re keen on synecdoche, but I’m afraid that is not appropriate either.

If you insist on my suggesting a concrete image for you, I’d have to say the Internet is most like a big ass, fire breathing dragon. Not unlike the dragon in those Hobbit films (hold on there, didn’t one Benedict Cumberbatch provide the voice and motion capture for that dragon? Oh my, it looks like I’ve accidentally mentioned that name again!). Anyhoo, get your mind off him for like two minutes of your life, please, and listen up. The Internet is a most specially greedy, strong and wicked worm who is fucking with your head, even as we speak.

Benedict Cumberbatch does not approve of being used like this. Unlike you, he doesn't have any choice.

Benedict Cumberbatch does not approve of being used.

Every time you “log on” to the Internet, you are giving away a little piece of your soul. This most frequently takes the form of your privacy or your self-control. And what’s worse is that the Internet is trying to trick you into believing you want to do this. In most other circumstances (excluding the minds of many high school male athletes), this kind of trickery would be considered criminal coercion. Not so here. The Internet can get you to do most anything it wants you to by almost any means whatsoever (say, by misleading you into believing you’ll learn something new about Benedict Cumberbatch).

It’s a dirty business really, and we should all be ashamed of participating it. I know I’d be ashamed if I weren’t so sure the stats for this blog post will be exponentially higher than any of my previous ones. That’s the thing: at the moment, most of us are pretty happy with the situation. We may lose some things because of it, but we gain others. Yes, our personal details got hacked but we were able to buy something from Target without having to actually go to Target, so it’s swings and roundabouts, isn’t it?

I’m not suggesting you stop using the Internet (in fact, why not subscribe to this blog? I won’t even ask for your mother’s maiden name). I’m not even suggesting you stop telling strangers your mother’s maiden name, if that’s the kind of thing you’re into.

All I’m saying is this: be aware of what’s going on and the role you’re playing. The Internet is using you. Google is aware of that purchase you just made. The NSA knows you. I know they know you because yesterday when we had lunch together, your name came up in the conversation. It’s likely your identity will get stolen, your sex tape made public, or a good year of your life lost to Candy Crush Saga. Tread carefully.

The fact that the dragon’s got a voice that gives you fizzy knickers shouldn’t permit you to forget that ultimately what he wants is your gold. Or your soul. Both of which you should remember are the precious (yes, I know that’s Gollum, but work with me here, people, I’m trying to make a point).

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I Don’t Want to Alarm You, But There Are Some Unpleasant Things on the Internet

11 Nov

This week I have learned a very unpleasant thing about the society in which we are all living in today.

Despite my normally uplifting personality traits, I’m no fool. I know that bread falls butter side down, if you know what I mean. Terrible things exist in the world, but it is not of my nature to harp on about them (as my readers surely know). But this week I discovered something so shocking, so utterly despicable that I feel I must harp on about it, if only to protect some of you more gentle souls from stumbling across this putrescence yourselves as you are checking the latest cricket scores or searching for a cheese scone recipe (which, by the by, you can find in my most recent cookbook, Recipes My Grandmother Used to Follow Which I Have Altered So That You Can Actually Stomach The Final Results).

ngbbs4bb003614723fHere is my discovery: someone is using the Internet to display pornographic images. I am sorry to be the one to announce this. The Internet was such a pure place until this person began to corrupt it with dirtiness. What has happened to the world, I ask?

(While I cannot at this time discuss the details of how I came to learn of this, can I at least remind you all that I am not the only woman who wears my brand of stockings? Please don’t be fooled by misleading claims—I am not a reader’s wife and my hair color is naturally and consistently blonde.)

What I really don’t understand is how President Obama has allowed this to occur. I really thought he believed in freedom. Don’t we have the freedom to not have to look at scantily clad ladies manhandling their mammillae or nearly nude men pulling at the backs of their Y fronts? Dear sir, is that freedom? I still pay taxes in the United States of America, and I would have thought that one of this administration’s priorities would have been keeping the Internet free of such images. I suppose I am idealistic, but idealism is no bad thing. At least it’s not as bad as some of things I’ve seen online this week. Oh my. I implore our new president to do something to keep cum shots away from the faces of decent, respectable women like me.

Quite frankly, I don’t understand why men (for it is they) would like to access such pictures on their computers. Surely, part of the thrill of pornographic material is the public announcement of one’s sexual dysfunction through the process of going to some seedy WH Smiths, grabbing the offending material in their grubby little hands, and completing the transaction in front of innocent shoppers. I don’t claim to understand their ways, but I would have thought that private use of this material was besides the point. What on Earth would a man do with pornography in the privacy of his own study or office cubicle? Goodness only knows.

We can do something to combat this growing cancer before it becomes too large to remove without the use of radiation therapy. We must appeal to the Internet’s editors; surely they will agree that their names are being tarnished by the publication of smut under their watch. If they refuse to act, we must insist upon their resignation.

The only other thing, I’m afraid, that we can do is be vigilant in our Internet use. I would suggest avoiding the following words when doing Internet searches:

  • jiggly
  • underpants
  • twelve incher
  • doggy, pussy, horse (or any domesticated animal species)
  • dangle
  • lonely
  • housewife
  • cock

Alas, once again it falls to the decent people of the world to take responsibility for their own safety. I’m afraid if you can no longer do random searches for “virgins who are gagging for it” without being confronted with some pretty unsavoury results. However, I do believe searches on “becoming a suicide bomber” are still relatively safe.

Be careful, dear ones. You never know across what you might come.

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A Modest Proposal Which Just May Save Young People from the Misery of Feeling Content

4 Sep

As my regular readers know, I am more than concerned about the disconnection which seems to be affecting young people today. No longer able to ride their bikes around parks nor bully smaller, weaker children, the young people of today have grown up without a sense of community. As they blossom into young adults, they see themselves purely as individuals, some so satisfied with their existence that they choose not to select a partner. This is so disappointing. They never know the joy of meeting someone one finds barely tolerable and merging with them into a union of mediocrity that can bring tears to the eyes.

However, having recently conquered the largely untapped world of the internet, I have come up with a solution that may help these young people to lose their self-contentment and better appreciate that they are nothing without someone else.

In the few short days since I have been publishing online, I have been overwhelmed by the amount of contact I have had. I knew I had a loyal public but publishing in this way has allowed me to reach even more lovely people. In fact my box has been getting so much traffic, I’ve had to ask Christopher to leave my bush alone for awhile to give him time to sort through some of my correspondence. You may never know the wonderful feeling it brings to one’s heart to receive devoted messages from all over the world: offers of thanks, congratulations and erection maintenance medication. Just this morning I received an email from a Nigerian royal offering me a large sum of money, simply because his father had requested he give it to someone “nice” and of all the people on Earth, he chose me. I’ve also had a number of, shall we say, rather amorous notes, though Christopher assures me that they are not really appropriate escorts for a woman of my standing. While I trust his judgment, I do wonder if there’s not a hint of the green-eyed monster behind his analysis (and the look on Christopher’s face as he types this only confirms this suspicion).

While the majority of young people are obviously not as well read, well traveled, well spoken or as modest as me, I truly believe that if I have had such success with the internet, they can, too.  I suggest to someone that an internet meeting place be designed so that people can write up a brief description of themselves, perhaps even attach a photo, and then wait patiently until a stranger deems their brief life history interesting enough to connect with. They can then contact their new friend via email and perhaps eventually speak on the phone. After this has happened, a date could be arranged. I anticipate that once this match is made, a life long commitment must surely be forthcoming. Then the world will have two less single, happy people to concern ourselves with.

Computer whizz kids, I’ve given you the crumb of the idea—-now get baking!

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