Tag Archives: Sacrifice

Ash Wednesday

9 Mar

Now this one has nothing to do with my being born in America, but Ash Wednesday always makes me think of this:

Obviously, this has something to do with the name, but, of course, Ash Wednesday is the first day of Lent, when good Christians sacrifice something for Jesus and I’m sure a lot of them are thinking that Jesus will love them more if they’re off  the fags. I’ve never really grasped the whole “Lent concept”—it’s seems especially cruel to alcoholics given that St Patrick’s Day falls within the forty days—but of course, it’s nowt to do with me so I don’t intend to judge anyone standing outside a pub tonight trying to inhale secondhand smoke or pressing up against a punter in an attempt to get drunk through osmosis.

Whatever you’ve giving up, best of luck to you. Rest assured I’ll be making my own sacrifices, as I always do; I just prefer to do so without giving it the Big I Am by wearing an ash cross on my face.

You Can’t Get Into The Hall of Fame Unless You Limp—Casey Stengel

22 Jan

Thank you much for the condolences regarding my being excluded, yet again, from the inductees to the New Jersey Hall of Fame.  Much like the dedicated fan who left roses and cognac at Poe’s grave, a dear man nominates me every year (I do not know his name as he signs the form only with his prison number), but I have yet to get in. Please do not concern yourselves too much on my account. I am well aware of how these things work and as lovely as the honour would be, I simply refuse to play their games. I have done nothing but praise the Garden State, but it looks like my refusal to sleep with a certain prominent New Jersey politician continues to haunt me.

To those being inducted into the Hall of Fame this year—Martha Stewart and John Travolta among them—I offer my hearty congratulations. It looks like they “did what it takes” to get the coveted prize, but I’m afraid I just couldn’t stomach those stumpy hands anywhere near my person.

You win some and you lose some, I suppose.