My dears, I need to tell you: there’s too much in my life right now. There’s too much to read, to watch, to think, to do. I was unable to get around to posting last month simply because I had too much on my plate and only a salad fork to eat it with. I would offer my apologies, but I just don’t have the time.
Of course, I’m not the only one currently in this predicament. From the way your leg is bouncing on your chair, I assume you are as well. Although I’ve clearly not mastered managing my time just yet, I am trying, and I thought I could pass some suggestions on to you as I am always keen to share what I’ve learned (plus now I can cross ‘help readers improve their lives’ off my to-do list).
The first two step is to prioritize. Naturally, keeping yourself and friends/family/pets alive has to be most important. Make sure you eat, sleep, and wash obviously, but you also need time to relax — reading a book, watching a film, staring off into the distance where the ceiling meets the wall — whatever does it for you. If you don’t look after your body and mind, you’re not going to be able to accomplish anything else.
Now, you may have seen tweets or blog posts about how you need to spend your time only on things that bring you joy or about how you should walk away things that cause you stress. These are tempting policies but utterly unworkable. There are many things in life which are joyless and stressful and still required. It’s useful to remember that the people who post that shite make their money by selling posters and mugs to schmucks before selling their email addresses to telemarketers. You’re better than that — you know you are.
So prioritizing is also important when it comes to the bullshit tasks you have to do. Are you legally or morally obliged to do the thing? Will anyone die if you don’t do the thing? If so, complete those tasks first. Will ignoring or delaying the tasks really negatively affect you? I don’t just mean will you have to accept that you may not be perfect in every single way — that’s something you should be over by now. I just mean, will you lose your home, your income, access to your children, etc? It’s good to avoid those negative consequences by bumping those tasks up your to-do list, regardless of how bullshit they may be.
It’s also important to get help where you can. I appreciate that not everyone has the luxury of hiring a handsome young man of the homosexual persuasion to do difficult things around the household, like I have. However, perhaps there are some tasks you could afford to outsource. You could get a cleaner or hire a gardener. Remember, local teenagers are always looking for extra money to buy their marijuana — offer them some (money, I mean) in exchange for painting your fence or walking your dog. If you don’t have any extra cash, take advantage of cost-less timesavers like automatic bill payment. Ask your friends who don’t bounce their legs constantly what they do and take on some of their advice. If you’re still working through your not-perfect-in-every-single-way issues, pretend you’re asking for a relative whose doctor is worried about their blood pressure.
(Note: add check blood pressure to your to-do list.)
The final suggestion I’d like to share is to say no when you can. If you’ve seen Christopher around town recently, you’ll notice his cheeks and chin are sporting stubble. Why? Because over the last week, I’ve had to say no each time he’s asked to be shaved. Yes, his sad little face was hard to look at, but I took care of that by simply looking the other way. I cannot do everything; that’s just a simple fact. You can’t either. Sometimes you just have to say no.
Well, I feel I’ve helped you at least a little, so now I can move on to my next task. Let me check my list . . . a nap’s up next and then I need to finish the crossword. If I can get those done in the next three hours, I may, just may, have time to take a straight razor to Christopher’s soapy face.
I’m often asked how I can simultaneously be on top of things in both the United States and Great Britain, as well as get involved in developments in other less important countries. I will confess, it can really take it out of a person to be the go-to-girl about current political and cultural events all over the globe. However, it’s the burden I’m expected to bear as an international mover-and-shaker, and I carry it with pride in my handy canvas totebag.
If you’re out camping and encounter a forest fire, find out first if it was deliberately set by experts before you start chucking the contents of your Thermos at it. Some people think controlled fires are good because they prevent more dangerous fires, just like smoking crack prevents heroin use. Whatever. If someone official is in charge of the fire, just go home and promise yourself to stop pretending that camping is fun.
It’s relatively easy to tell when you’re about to be confronted with a tornado. It’ll be proper rainy and windy. The air might seem a little warmer than it should and feel weirdly still despite the wind. The sky could even go a strange colour that will make you think, “What the h?” Then all of a sudden you will notice that the ringing in your ears is not just the remnants of last night’s hangover, but a siren announcing that a tornado has been spotted in your area. It’s time for you to act.
late for that (congratulations by the way), the best thing to do is to get into the bath. As you are normally wet in the bath, it’ll feel less like a crisis and more like the norm and thus you can think more clearly. Don’t bother with sandbags; they are really, really heavy. If you do have the strength, go out to your garden and dig holes — this will give the water a place to go. You could even dig one in your neighbour’s garden and charge them for installing a pond — think creatively!
ou sneeze but you don’t stop yourself from doing that. Have you ever seen your orgasm face? I confess I didn’t watch the entire video your ex posted online, but from what I saw, I’m confident it wasn’t pretty. Yet, that video received over a thousand likes before your lawyer had it taken down. Why? Because you were just being natural, you were just letting yourself go and enjoying the moment.
Everyone Needs an Algonquin 
Agatha’s Public Chimes In