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The Royal Wedding of Him and Her (Live Updates)

29 Apr

8.05            Welcome to my up-to-the-minute coverage of the wedding between The Duke of Cambridge, the Earl of Strathearn, Baron Carrickfergus, and the Duchess of Cambridge, Countess of Strathearn, and Baroness Carrickfergus. I love group weddings; it’s almost like the Moonies.

8.30            Did you hear the guy from Syria’s been uninvited? I’m not sure that’s any less rude than violently cracking down against weeks of pro-democracy demonstrations.

8.40            I have always felt that those who shove in queues should be beaten to death and admire the police’s decision to do so this morning.

8.44            A lot of hats, bordering on an indecent amount of hats. Some ridiculous, some I confess to finding rather fetching. I particularly like the little pink beanies some of the men are wearing. Too cute!

9.09            The chant that greeted Chelsy Davy was just not on.

9.22            David Beckham. He’s lovely.

9.30            Rowan Atkinson’s arrived, pulling a funny face. Oh wait, that’s Tara Palmer-Tomkinson.

9.43            Apparently Boris Johnson’s hair took hours doing.

9.44            Guy Richie?

9.47            Sir Elton John and David Furnish have arrived. Elton’s coiffure is attempting something but failing miserably.

9.48            I’m not sure I’ve ever seen John Major look quite so dashing. Yum-yum!

9.56             I strongly agree with the decision to sit all gingers in a separate area.

10.01            A cheer for Nick Clegg! Or perhaps for Miriam’s saucy attire—her lips match her feathers.

10.02            Ed and Vince. Vince and Ed. Little George Osborne not far behind.

10.03            Samantha Cameron looks quite pretty in a flattering jade dress, carrying an orange wrap. A shame she had to spoil it with her date.

10.14            I don’t think screams at a wedding are ever really appropriate, regardless of who is attending or how fancy pants their tour bus is.

10.16            Now, that’s one hell of a car the Princes are in.

10.18            Here come the bells.

10.19            Prince William is in the house: whoop whoop, as the kids say.

10.20           Those who think the Royals’ lives are unfairly easy should remember that tragedies like thinning hair can strike anyone. Nature is blind to pageantry.

10.22           The red coat, blue sash and gold doohickeys are alright, I guess. But I’m not keen on the red stripe down the trousers. At least he ignored Harry’s suggestion to also wear red shoes.

10.24           I wonder who was the first to say “Someone’s getting laid tonight” to Wills this morning.

10.27           I don’t care what cool cucumbers some of these posh-os think they are. You know they must be peeing themselves over all this.

10.28           I like the four matching silver mini-buses. They’re titchy, like little toy cars, carrying little toy people.

10.36           Who taught these people how to walk?

10.37            Three arrests at the street party on my road. Apparently, letting off fireworks outside an old couple’s home should have waited until after the nuptials.

10.40           I bet Tony Blair’s having a little cry. I know Barack Obama isn’t.

10.42           Beatrice and Eugenie—no, no, and no.

10.44           This must surely remind Prince Charles of his own weddings. The incredibly exciting one, plus that time the other one got canceled because the Pope up and died.

10. 48          I don’t care what people say. The Queen is still a right royal knockout and you know it. She looks like a stunning little canary. Wearing a hat. And a brooch. And carrying a handbag.

10.50           Awkward kiss between the Duke of Edinburgh and Camilla. But I suppose it would have been more upsetting if it had been natural, like something they did all the time.

10.54          Here comes the bride! I can confirm she is wearing her hair and a white dress. I really don’t know what all the fuss was about. What else would she be wearing?

10.55         Any commentator who says something about Kate’s ability to wave is first against the wall, come the revolution.

10.59          You gotta say one thing about the royals: they know how to keep to a timetable.

11.00          I’m not too proud to admit she looks pretty. But I know, in his heart of heart, Wills prefers a bustier woman.

11.04          Searches for Sarah Burton have now crashed the internet.

11.08          If this is William’s first view of his bride’s dress, I’m sure he think it’s beautiful.  Harry is thinking, “What’s up with her eyebrows?”

11.11           Oh, England, you and your hymns. I do love you so.

11.13          Marriage was ordained for the increase of mankind. Ooh, sexy.

11.14          I won’t say a word. I will forever hereafter hold my peace. Damn, Will’s not said anything either.

11.16          For richer, for poorer. Good one.

11.17          I don’t mean to seem a downer, but let’s remember that Charles and Diana said all these words as well.

11.18         Wow, he’s going to give her his troth, honour her with his body and share all his worldly goods? Jackpot!

11.20         William’s just made the biggest mistake of his life. Congratulations to the happy couple!

11.24          Grab a pew, now for the boring stuff.

11.29          To kill some time, let’s look at some new wedding-related tweets:

Halcruttenden All these beautiful people have just made me realise that the idea of monarchy is right. They’re just better than us.

mfhorne There is literally NOWHERE for Harry to have a sneaky Fatty Boombatty.

mrchrisaddison Queen has a tartan blanket over her knees in that car.

Therealdavelamb No wonder the father of the bride’s sweating, this must be costing him a fortune.

StephenAtHome At the Royal Wedding. Crap, I’m wearing the same thing as Camilla.

RufusHound They need to hurry it along, the photographer has another wedding to do at 12

RobinCooperEsq Don’t forget tomorrow is the royal wedding everybody

11.39         Oh boy, they composed their own prayer. Nicely written—concise yet ultimately meaningless, as all good prayers should be.

11.37         Those little boys have no idea that this will be the last greatest moment of their lives.

11.46         I like the idea of marriage as “such an exquisite mystery.” Sounds so much better than “the beginning of the end.”

11.47         Oh, “Jerusalem,” you bring me such joy. There is nothing better than you. Except maybe marrying Prince William. But alas, it wasn’t meant to be. So I rejoice at the song of England’s green and pleasant land.

11.52        What goes through Charles’s head when he hears “God Save Our Gracious Queen”? And I don’t know about you, but it seems weird that Prince Philip sings it as well. Man, she must really hold that over him at times.

11.56         I thought it was supposed to rain today. Wow, they really do have God looking after them.

12.10        Yes, put the gloves on. One mustn’t wave to paupers without wearing gloves.

12.13        The wedding ceremony ends as all wedding ceremonies do: a bunch of old people in fancy dress struggling to get into horse-drawn carriages. We’ve all been there, done that.

12.15         The deed is done. There’s nothing more to see here. Move along and back to your regular lives.

Good-Night, Sweet Prince*

29 Apr

To William and Catherine, I wish you a wonderful day.

To the rest of us, I suggest:

*Yes, this does imply he’s now dead to me.

A Kiss That Speaks Volumes Is Seldom A First Edition—Clare Whiting

5 Jan

Kiss2003A scientist from the University of Texas today published a book called The Science of Kissing.

I must confess to being somewhat surprised by this, as scientists do not generally come to mind when considering “experts” in the romantic arts.  However, the author is of the female persuasion so perhaps there may be some valuable insights within the book’s pages.

I do have some objections, though, to one claim the book makes: that most people remember their first kiss “more vividly” than the loss of their virginity. (This is based on research done by a male psychologist, I feel compelled to point out.)

This is problematic for a number of reasons.

Firstly, I myself cannot remember “up to 90 percent of the details” of my “first romantic kiss.” To find myself outside of the majority is no new task for me (the cream always rises to the top, as they say); however, it is somewhat hurtful that I am so clearly deliberately being excluded, once again, from the scientific community.

Additionally, I feel the terminology is too vague. What exactly is a “romantic kiss“? I may have kissed Corey Frye in second grade, but it wasn’t until many years later that I first experienced any sense of romance (read: tongues). So does Corey count?  And what exactly are “vivid details”? I’m afraid I don’t remember 90% of the letters in the boy’s name, let alone the majority of the “details” of the very first time my lips touched another’s (I know it was Joey something). Was it just that our kiss wasn’t “romantic” enough to register in my memory? Finally, I need more specifics when it comes to the “loss of virginity” (note: if you’d like to send specifics, please put “Cherry Popping” in your email’s subject line). Defining virginity is a bit of a sticky wicket. Some teens have oral and anal sex but still see themselves as virgins (though I doubt that’s how the boys at their schools see them). I once spent a rather significant hour with a charming young man (come to think of it, I do believe it was Corey Frye’s uncle) and while the experience was extremely memorable (and illegal in Connorsville, Wisconsin), it did not feature the “marital embrace” so was I still a virgin when I stumbled out of that shed? I thought scientists were all about precision. For me to be convinced by this claim, the terms need to be much more explicit.

Over the course of my lifetime, I have had more kisses than I have had hot dinners.  No kiss is necessarily more memorable than any other.  Various factors (such as intensity of love, alcohol intake, length of infection, financial repercussions, etc) affect which kisses stay with us. If any of you reading this have gotten to first base with me, rest assured I recall all the relevant details. Which may explain why we haven’t spoken in years.

Pucker up, suckers!

Just For Men: Woo and How to Pitch It

20 Jul

Men. You gotta love them, what with their briefcases, insecurities, external genitalia and all.

Recently one of my admirers enquired about the ideal way to woo a lady of my cachet. I was charmed by his moxie as well as his attached photo, so I immediately began a detailed response to his query. However, I realised that he may not be the only young man feeling a bit overwhelmed by the changes in the “dating game,” so I’ve decided to take this opportunity to share my advice with all of you losers.

  • Ignore any advice given to you by another man (father, brother, that man your mother asked you to call uncle even though he’s really just her “special friend”). They don’t know what they’re talking about. If they did, they’d be too busy shagging to have time to stick their noses into your love life.
  • My first piece of guidance is to better yourself before you even think about getting involved with a woman. Seriously, look at yourself—who in their right mind would be interested in knobbing that? Read a few books, learn a foreign language, watch a few films, put your comic books in the attic. Before you put yourself “on the market,” you’ve got to have a product others would be interested in purchasing or at least renting with the option to buy.
  • In addition to building up your mind, keep your body in reasonable shape. While not all women demand perfection in the male physique, we do have some standards. Update your wardrobe—remember, you are what you wear. Hygiene is also important. I mean, do I really have to be telling you these things? No wonder you’re alone.
  • Be bold when approaching a woman you’re interested in. Don’t be afraid to go up to a woman you don’t know and introduce yourself. Yes, you may get pepper-sprayed a few times. But surely you can cope with having profound vision loss in one eye if it means finding Miss Right.
  • When talking to a woman, limit the amount of references to your penis to zero. Men are fascinated with cock talk but women, less so, so keep it confined to the locker room. Extremely unattractive is discussing others’ opinions of your member. Women aren’t particularly interested in the testimony of others, whether it’s from previous users or doctors who specialise in abnormalities.
  • It’s true that to curry a woman’s favour, a man should steer the talk towards the lady herself. This isn’t because women are the vainer sex; it’s because they’re the more interesting sex. Do you know how boring it is to hear a man talk about himself? Ask your mental health counsellor or parish priest, they’ll tell you.
  • Ask her questions, as long as you’re prepared to accept the answers.  If you’re not going to be able to handle the fact that she is better than you at almost everything, you may struggle.
  • If things are going swimmingly, it’s perfectly acceptable to try your chances on the first date.  Gently touch her hand or knee, give her a quick peck on the cheek. If she doesn’t press charges, you’re in there, my son.
  • If things are going less than swimmingly, wrap up the interaction quickly. You’re not doing anyone any good by prolonging the inevitable awkwardness. Don’t worry that she might have her feelings hurt. If you haven’t enjoyed the date, it’s unlikely she’s found much to write home about either. Cut your losses, make your apologies and vacate the premises, leaving as few contact details and as little DNA as possible.

Following the above advice should help you make a start towards finding love. It’s not an easy task but my motto has always been the harder, the better. When it comes to love, the challenge of finding it is always worth the pay off of receiving it.

Go get ’em, tiger!

Happy Christmas, You Silly Little Muppets

25 Dec

5cc5e8d015bff8502baee7663c9229a5Can I just say how happy I am to have all of you? Honestly, despite my international popularity, in many ways, it’s you, my readers, who mean the most to me of all. Honestly, I mean it, I love you, guys. You’re my best friends.

I hope you’re having a lovely Christmas day. I am. I mean, I am really having a lovely Christmas. My morning was just lovely—-I was up a bit late last night so I’m afraid I was still in bed with Christopher arrived. But what a lovely surprise to hear him rapping at my bedroom door, delivering a lovely cup of tea (I had the decency not to comment on the lack of toast). After my bath, he and I exchanged gifts. He got me a lovely piece of artwork for my boudoir. It’s such a thoughtful pressie. Christopher is so lovely. Later, we had a lovely meal. And, of course, the Queen’s speech. Well, that was lovely.

Christopher and I are just tucking into some lovely sherry and maybe a mince pie or two. I trust you are, too. Have a lovely Christmas, dear ones, I love you. I mean it. For some reason, I’m just so full of love that I could even kiss a ginger if there were one here (though thankfully there is not).

And to all, a good night!

The Importance of Family (Royal or Otherwise)

21 Nov

As the days grow shorter and we all spend more of our time shrouded in darkness, we are inevitably drawn to periods of somber reflection. Tonight, over tea, Christopher and I were both reflecting on how my life might be different if I were engaged to Prince William. (This may seem a rather far-fetched reflection, but please keep in mind that my reputation precedes me in all levels of the British population). Christopher suggested that it was unlikely William would take me as a bride, given the whole Mrs Simpson debacle. However, I explained to him that it was more her thrice married status which caused the commotion, and I, having never married, would not sound that alarm (though clearly today’s monarchy takes a slightly different view of divorce anyway). He was also concerned that, were I to marry our future king, I may no longer have a place in my heart for him, but I assured Christopher that were William and I to wed, I would insist on moving Christopher in with us. There undoubtedly would be an opening for a footman of some sort, and if there weren’t, I would surely make one.

I, on the other hand, could see nothing but good to come from a possible marriage to Prince William. Though I am not particularly keen on pomp, I trust that my adaptability would allow me to partake in whatever useless luxuries I needed to be a part of. I confess I’d be more than enthusiastic about going to polo matches, attending galas, waving to the minions, and waking up next to a naked nubile body every morning. I would even tolerate the hunting if it meant I could watch him take a shower.  But I think the thing I would like most about entering into the bonds of matrimony with young William is the sense of being part of a family.

As readers know, I do have some family. I often speak of my cherished grandmother. I, of course, do have parents, though our relationship is not as close as I’d like it to be due to the 3517 miles and years of emotional abuse that lie between us. Alas, I was not blessed with any siblings (worth mentioning) and therefore I often feel that I’ve missed out on the sense of family that our Royals so lovingly exude.  I often see photos of Wills and Harry clowning around or embracing, and I think that I wouldn’t mind being in the middle of that princely sandwich.

Just this weekend, I bumped into my dear friend Alice Wintergarden at the local Christmas sale in the Village Hall. She and her sister, a woman whose loud and obnoxious tone unfortunately often conceals her lovely nature, were selling cakes and second hand books. Although I was hardly twenty feet away signing autographs, neither Alice nor her sister attempted to speak to me. I can only assume this was due to the bonds of sorority that I know nothing of or possibly the incredibly long queue of admirers at my table. Oh, having a sister must be such a wonderful experience to make a friend betray another like that!

Given my parents’ advanced age, it seems that unlikely that they will issue forth a sibling for me. Marrying Prince William may in fact be my only chance, however slim (or indeed fat), of gaining that real sense of family. I am more than envious of the woman he ultimately chooses. For in addition to the fame, palaces, gorgeous shag, and jewels out the wazoo she is going to get, she will be welcomed into an accepting, loyal and devoted family. This treasure, I can only imagine, would make any woman feel like a princess.

An Urgent Public Defense

6 Jun

I have recently been accused of being unfair to young people, a claim quite frankly I find deplorable and libelous. Christopher has volunteered to serve as my counsel should this case go to court. But I am appealing to you, my loyal readers, please do not accept this character assassination without giving due consideration to my history. I have spent much of my adult life doing nothing but traveling the world and spending ungodly amounts of money having adventures purely so that I could pass on my stories and wisdom to the young people of today. I do not enjoy singing my own praises, but quite frankly no one deserves more praise singing for their efforts to benefit young people than I, their humble servant.

That said, young people have a lot of problems and are in desperate need of a good shape up. I do not hold them individually responsible—clearly their parents have let them down when they permitted them to develop their own personalities before the age of twenty—but we must accept that the young people of our country are in a right state. I feel quite strongly that it is unfair that teachers get the blame. Please view the clip below to see what I mean.

This clip highlights a few important issues. Teaching is not an easy task, and being a new or supply teacher is clearly worse. While my time as a teacher was rather limited, I do have acquaintances who worked as supply teachers to earn some pin money. Both Mr Bindingcock and Miss Fluck said they felt bullied and threatened during their brief excursions into the world of teachers. I think many of us forget that today’s teenagers, on average, are at least seventeen inches taller than they were in our day. Combine that with swagger and you have got a nasty piece of pie. I don’t doubt that on programmes like this the usual stench of violence and pubescent perspiration has been edited out. Any adult, regardless of previous criminal prosecutions, who teaches should be commended for their bravery and commitment.

More importantly, though, what I find most shocking about this clip is the students’ utter indifference to having a man of such stature in their presence. John Humphrys is both visually and aurally delicious yet at no time do any of these little rascals attempt to worship him in the way he so clearly deserves. Had I been a young lady in that classroom, I would have cherished every second of breathing the same air as the great man and I don’t mind admitting that I would have dropped my hankie at his ankles a number of times, if you know what I mean. This is of course because I was raised to be that way, and I lament that that childrearing strategy has fallen by the wayside.

In summary, 1. young people have problems but I am not unfair to them, 2. so-called friends should keep their mouths shut and 3. if John Humphrys is willing to forget the unfortunate incident he and I shared in the lift of Broadcasting House, I would simply swoon if he would get back in touch.