Tag Archives: Jeremy Irons

The Show Shall Go On

19 Feb

“Agatha! The Musical” is good to go—roles have been cast and rehearsals begin next week. The week of auditions was exciting and surprising, as I’m sure you’ve read about in the local papers, but it has paid off dividends. We had applicants from all over the world, and the competition was literally brutal. However, the producers were unable to find a lead actress for the Agatha role: some actresses were beautiful but fell apart in the more cerebral scenes. Others could pull off the complexities of the character but were flawed in their physicality. In the end, I’m afraid that the director decided that the only woman in the world who could be convincingly Agatha Whitt-Wellington is Agatha Whitt-Wellington herself so it looks like, for the first time in oh so many years, I’ll be treading the boards again.

Sadly, though I am a woman of many talents, singing is not one of them, so we’ve had to drop the “musical” aspect of the play. Unfortunately, our PR committee’s enthusiasm means we are already in possession of two thousand t-shirts bearing the “Agatha! The Musical” logo so we’ve got to stick with the current title. Therefore, we’ve set up an urgent Anti-Litigation Committee to head off any possible problems. Anyone with a background working with the CAP Code is asked to contact Bernard at the Village Hall as soon as possible.

Samuel Richardson said, “Calamity is the test of integrity.” Despite our slightly tricky beginning, I know our show will go on and be the theatrical triumph I’ve threatened it would be.

The World Is A Stage, But The Play Is Badly Cast; This One Won’t Be

6 Jan

Very exciting news! After much negotiation, the local Amateur Dramatic Society has finally secured the rights to the story of my life. Auditions for this much-anticipated production will be in mid-February, so you’re welcome, aspiring actors, for the thoughtful heads up from me. You’ve now got a few weeks to prepare for the role of a lifetime.

MAJOR ROLES TO BE CAST:

Agatha Whitt-Wellington: witty, gorgeous, sophisticated, ageless, seductive but not distastefully so

Mother: brash, loud, unsupportive (complete plucking of eyebrows required)

Father: non-speaking role

Granny “Boots” Wellington: trouser-wearing

Headmaster: diminutive, unaware of how to behave in the presence of genius

Daphne d’Ebriété: elderly, wise, drunk in all scenes

Rupert Stanley Quim: elderly, stumpy, confused

Baron Von Schwarzen Wurst: debonair, accent of unknown origin

HRH Prince William: pre-hair loss

Christopher: good-looking, dependent (some nudity required)

Alice Wintergarden: jealous but ultimately harmless

MINOR ROLES TO BE CAST:

Lovers #1-45

Admirers #1-22

Arresting Officers #1-4

Doctor

Jeremy Irons

Competition will be tough: this is an important production and an incredible opportunity to be a part of the life of an amazing woman (that’s not vanity but the words of the judge who ruled on the intellectual property rights case).

After the holidays, I may be willing to give interviews to actors who would like to “get inside my head.”  These will be by appointment-only; interested young men should send photographs and be prepared to run lines, if you know what I mean.