Tag Archives: Role of A Lifetime

The World Is A Stage, But The Play Is Badly Cast; This One Won’t Be

6 Jan

Very exciting news! After much negotiation, the local Amateur Dramatic Society has finally secured the rights to the story of my life. Auditions for this much-anticipated production will be in mid-February, so you’re welcome, aspiring actors, for the thoughtful heads up from me. You’ve now got a few weeks to prepare for the role of a lifetime.


Agatha Whitt-Wellington: witty, gorgeous, sophisticated, ageless, seductive but not distastefully so

Mother: brash, loud, unsupportive (complete plucking of eyebrows required)

Father: non-speaking role

Granny “Boots” Wellington: trouser-wearing

Headmaster: diminutive, unaware of how to behave in the presence of genius

Daphne d’Ebriété: elderly, wise, drunk in all scenes

Rupert Stanley Quim: elderly, stumpy, confused

Baron Von Schwarzen Wurst: debonair, accent of unknown origin

HRH Prince William: pre-hair loss

Christopher: good-looking, dependent (some nudity required)

Alice Wintergarden: jealous but ultimately harmless


Lovers #1-45

Admirers #1-22

Arresting Officers #1-4


Jeremy Irons

Competition will be tough: this is an important production and an incredible opportunity to be a part of the life of an amazing woman (that’s not vanity but the words of the judge who ruled on the intellectual property rights case).

After the holidays, I may be willing to give interviews to actors who would like to “get inside my head.”  These will be by appointment-only; interested young men should send photographs and be prepared to run lines, if you know what I mean.