Very exciting news! After much negotiation, the local Amateur Dramatic Society has finally secured the rights to the story of my life. Auditions for this much-anticipated production will be in mid-February, so you’re welcome, aspiring actors, for the thoughtful heads up from me. You’ve now got a few weeks to prepare for the role of a lifetime.
MAJOR ROLES TO BE CAST:
Agatha Whitt-Wellington: witty, gorgeous, sophisticated, ageless, seductive but not distastefully so
Mother: brash, loud, unsupportive (complete plucking of eyebrows required)
Father: non-speaking role
Granny “Boots” Wellington: trouser-wearing
Headmaster: diminutive, unaware of how to behave in the presence of genius
Daphne d’Ebriété: elderly, wise, drunk in all scenes
Rupert Stanley Quim: elderly, stumpy, confused
Baron Von Schwarzen Wurst: debonair, accent of unknown origin
HRH Prince William: pre-hair loss
Christopher: good-looking, dependent (some nudity required)
Alice Wintergarden: jealous but ultimately harmless
MINOR ROLES TO BE CAST:
Lovers #1-45
Admirers #1-22
Arresting Officers #1-4
Doctor
Jeremy Irons
Competition will be tough: this is an important production and an incredible opportunity to be a part of the life of an amazing woman (that’s not vanity but the words of the judge who ruled on the intellectual property rights case).
After the holidays, I may be willing to give interviews to actors who would like to “get inside my head.” These will be by appointment-only; interested young men should send photographs and be prepared to run lines, if you know what I mean.
Everyone Needs an Algonquin 
Agatha’s Public Chimes In