The Castle Howard Incident

18 Apr

Let me encourage you to visit Castle Howard in York. The House and the gardens are simply breathtaking. A day there is bound to remind everyone of the glory of humanity and of nature. I have no doubt that it was not the where, but the who and why which caused the incident.

Christopher and I spent a few hours there to top off our travels through Yorkshire. It’s easy to get lost in reverie within the rooms of the house.  They really knew how to use wallpaper in those days. I am envious of those who lived during a time when “the look” required using as many different patterns in decor as possible.

We wandered the natural sensuality of the Woodland Garden and the precision of the Walled Garden, and I’m sure in most circumstances, the people who pass through them cannot help but absorb the serenity and peace of the environment.

Please do not let the unfortunate incident involving a certain young man and his lackadaisical attitude to the gravity of keeping a promise stop you from enjoying what is otherwise a truly magical place.

Tags: , , , ,

Let America Be America Again

8 Apr

These words start a poem published by Langston Hughes in 1938. As I write this post, we are hours away from a possible shutdown of the American government, because politicians cannot decide on a budget.

The budget fight is premised on the deficit that the country has. Now ideally, no one should ever have a budget deficit: not a government and not an individual. It’s really a matter of being fiscally responsible, a lesson that most of us should have learned when we were four-years-old and asked our parents for a pony. In a perfect world, no one would spend money they do not have. Take me, for example—as you know I’m not short of a bob or two, but I still stick to a budget. If it’s a Friday night and I’ve only got £1000 left of my weekly budget, I’ll have to limit my spending: say, if I’m tempted to wage a war in Afghanistan or fund a religious maniac’s diploma mill to the tune of $445 million, I won’t, I’ll just say no. It’s not always fun to say no, but sometimes it’s the only responsible thing to do.

But okay, the US government’s got a deficit, so what’s the best way to get out of it? Clearly, you’ve only got three options when you’re out of cash: bring more in, take less out, or a combination of the two. As any bisexual will tell you, a bit of both is always best.

One obvious way to increase the money a government brings in is to raise taxes. Duh. Now no one wants to pay taxes, we all know that, so anyone who feels compelled to make the point that taxes aren’t fun should just zip it right now. There’s lots of things in life we don’t want to do, but sometimes have to do. If a fun solution had been an option, we wouldn’t have gotten to this crisis point. We’ve got to find the least not-fun solution available.

So we’re in the middle of a financial crisis, we’re all struggling, and now I’m suggesting raising taxes?  Before I go any further, just think about this for a minute.

Are

we

all

really

struggling?

Because you know what? A lot of us, we’re not struggling; we just have less money than we used to have. That isn’t the same thing as struggling (especially if part of the reason why we have less is because we neglected to follow a budget, as outlined in paragraph 2.)

So bumping up taxes (particularly on the rich) is an option. Or is it? No, because Obama extended the Bush tax cuts, a measure that costs more than his stimulus package Republicans are always banging on about, even though evidence shows the cuts neither hurt small business nor help grow the economy.

As the government’s given up on bringing in more, by default, they’re choosing to spend less. The government spends a lot of money on a lot of stuff. Big stuff, little stuff, good stuff, bad stuff, useful stuff, useless stuff. The argument now is what to spend less on?

I am not going to propose what should and shouldn’t be cut here. I could go on about my personal opinions and interests and the way they reflect my own upbringing, background, morals. But I won’t. And here’s why.

Because the truth is most Americans know the difference between right and wrong.

Leviticus 23:22 When you reap the harvest of your land, do not reap to the very edges of your field or gather the gleanings of your harvest. Leave them for the poor and the alien. I am the LORD your God.

The Prophet Muhammad: He who sleeps on a full stomach whilst his neighbour goes hungry is not one of us.

The Upanishads: Like in a well the more you fetch, more water oozes . . the more you give the more you get. This generosity is mandatory to every individual.  Hurry to promise or pledge to help. It is one thing—glorious and divine—to strive for getting an occasion for that.

The Buddha: Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.

Guru Granth Sahib: The poor and the rich are both brothers. This is Lord’s immutable design.

The Talmud: Whoever destroys a single life is as guilty as though he had destroyed the entire world; and whoever rescues a single life earns as much merit as though he had rescued the entire world.

My Grandmother Boots (one for the atheists): If you turn your back on the needy, you are a real shit.

All Americans should realise that however this crisis ends, the final budget will have effects across the globe. When people around the world look at what America does, they don’t look at it as Republican choices or Democrat actions.

What do we want the world to think is important to Americans?

Tags: , , , , , , ,

The History Books of Future Generations

29 Mar

This is an interesting time to be alive.

Which is good for us, as it just so happens this is the time when we’re all alive. No use banging on about 1936 being an interesting time because I’m guessing most of you were not around during that year (despite my rather “mature” writing throughout this site, it appears to be bringing in a younger and younger audience every single day).

One complaint often made about our time is that we all possess the attention span of a slightly dim goldfish. With rolling news, Twitter, soundbites, we can’t seem to focus on any one thing for very long. Workers’ pay is docked, children are medicated, lovers are chastised–all because people struggle to keep their attentions tuned into one task. Many cultural critics argue that it is the greatest problem facing our world today, but sadly by the time they get through their first sentence of explanation, most viewers have already turned over to see the latest sports score, weather update or Katie Price scandal.

There’s a lot going on, and it can be difficult to keep up with all of it.  I confess sometimes I struggle. I have publishers, reporters, well-wishers and admirers clamoring for my attention every waking hour and you know I don’t like to disappoint. But all of us need to keep our priorities straight and  deal with our day-to-day demands while still being informed, global citizens. Otherwise, we are likely to miss much of what will someday make up the pages of history books.

For example, we are living in a time of great protest. From Egypt to Wisconsin, Syria to London, millions of people are taking to the streets to have their voices heard. Were you one of those history-makers? Have you read about them, watched the reports, spoken up for or against? Do you know why they’re protesting? Some people’s excuse for their current events ignorance is that it is all too depressing to take in. Maybe they would make the time to focus on what’s happening in the world if what’s happening in the world wasn’t so shitty. It’s true that lots of shit is going down right now; from Japan to Libya to the misery and ugliness we see in our own neighbourhoods (yes, Mr Grimshaw, I am talking about you and your penchant for wearing your dressing gown unbelted)—there’s a lot of bad at the moment. But not paying attention to it doesn’t stop it from happening. We live in a “global” world now, don’t forget: if we’ve learned one thing from Ashton Kutcher, we’ve learned that one flap of a butterfly’s wings can cause a tornado on the other side of the world. I propose that, as depressing as the news sometimes is, you’re better off knowing about that troublesome butterfly so you’ve got a better sense of when to expect your trailer home to be carried off in a twister.

Pay attention to the world. Knowledge does many things—it can protect you, it can benefit you and it can change the world.

I apologise for the lateness of this post. Christopher and I participated in Earth Hour this evening, and I’m afraid that once the electricity was turned off and we got out the battery-operated entertainment, we just seemed to lose all track of time.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

An Extreme Super Moon

19 Mar

An American star science guy has warned that the big moon on the night of 19 March is an “extreme super moon,” which is likely to disrupt everything, destroy the world and/or kill the lot of us.

Now, hold up there now, mister.

You may have your theories and evidence, but I’m rarely influenced by things as convincing as that. I have always found myself much more persuaded by the look  in one’s eyes when he’s talking bullshit to me. So I got in contact with my close personal go-to astrologer, Mystical Mitchel. He explained to me that the best advice I can offer you is to make sure you’ve stocked on necessities: water, brie and bread, a few bottles of red, a lover or two and a camera (unlike unusual suns, you can look directly into the moon—in fact, I encourage you to look at nothing but the moon until 6am Sunday as doing so will make the drunken, bloated sex that much easier to tolerate).

There have been plenty of horrible things happening in the world and there will be more. But celestial bodies—big or small—aren’t worrying me. The moon may control werewolves, women’s menses and David Icke, but most of the shit that happens is probably man-made, I’m afraid.

Tags: , , ,

Something Funny For Your Money

18 Mar

I’ve never really understood the cynicism around Comic Relief and Red Nose Day.

Maybe this is because I grew up in America where charity telethons’ goal was twofold: to encourage you to donate money and to drive you to the brink of insanity. The most famous, of course, is the Jerry Lewis MDA Supershow, which features said Jerry Lewis (bad enough) and lots of people you don’t recognise, thought had died a decade before or actively despise singing and dancing on stage in front of a big band for twenty-two hours straight. Because the telethon dominates Labor Day weekend, the unofficial end of summer, millions of children who otherwise would never consider bullying begin resenting disabled kids whom they blame for ruining their last weekend before the school year starts.

Comic Relief, though, is different, and I’d like to address the naysayers now.

A lot of people are nasty about rich celebrities going on about helping poor people.  In fact, I remember the day Richard Curtis first pitched the idea of Comic Relief to me over lunch. He said, “Agatha, I was thinking about getting celebrities together to do a charity event—I’m thinking Sting, Madonna, U2, singing on stage while the public phones in with donations.” I said to him, “Dickie, let’s face it, Bono’s small change alone could solve all of the world’s problems. If you want the public to be able to forget that, you’ve got to make people laugh.”

And Comic Relief does that.  I’m sure we’ve all got our favourites—Alan Partridge, Ricky Gervais and Robert Webb spring to my mind.  Of course, not everything works: sometimes Paul Daniels can’t milk Eddie the Eagle’s elbow, sometimes Ruby Wax sings and sometimes Jeremy Clarkson’s face appears on screen. But overall, there’s quite a bit there that is cleverly funny.

In contrast, the video reports from the places Comic Relief supports are not funny, but aren’t supposed to be. They are generally quite moving and informative.  When I hear people complain about the short films, I want to kick them in the shins (and, when I can, I do). The purpose of those videos is to help us feel the despair of those suffering.  Jamie Oliver in Africa should be painful to watch and it consistently is. If you really hate these clips so much, donate enough money and there will be nothing left to film.

Lastly, Comic Relief celebrates not just the humour of the professional funny people, but the average person as well. Seriously, how can we hold anything against the institution which catapulted the bath of baked beans into our consciousness? Is there anything funnier than a person sitting in a bath of baked beans? The answer is no.

I am doing my part. You should do yours. On Red Nose Day, don’t be unpleasant.  Donate your fiver.

Tags: , , ,

Ash Wednesday

9 Mar

Now this one has nothing to do with my being born in America, but Ash Wednesday always makes me think of this:

Obviously, this has something to do with the name, but, of course, Ash Wednesday is the first day of Lent, when good Christians sacrifice something for Jesus and I’m sure a lot of them are thinking that Jesus will love them more if they’re off  the fags. I’ve never really grasped the whole “Lent concept”—it’s seems especially cruel to alcoholics given that St Patrick’s Day falls within the forty days—but of course, it’s nowt to do with me so I don’t intend to judge anyone standing outside a pub tonight trying to inhale secondhand smoke or pressing up against a punter in an attempt to get drunk through osmosis.

Whatever you’ve giving up, best of luck to you. Rest assured I’ll be making my own sacrifices, as I always do; I just prefer to do so without giving it the Big I Am by wearing an ash cross on my face.

Tags: , ,

Shrove Tuesday

8 Mar

Happy Pancake Day!

I’ve always been a fan of breakfast-for-dinner (I can’t help it, I’m just crazy like that), but I must confess that when I hear the word pancake, the American in me thinks of this:

Sue me if you feel like grumbling about it. But remember, some Americans actually eat these.

Enjoy your pancakes however fluffy they may be!

Tags: , , , ,

A Sense of Pride, Yes, But £200k?

25 Feb

A new report claims that the total cost of raising a child is now £210,848. Below is a breakdown of the costs.

I apologise in advance for their inconsistent use of ampersands.

Some of these figures are a little startling and indicate a real problem with priorities. Parents are spending over thirty thousand quid to keep their kids entertained (with holiday, hobbies, toys, leisure and recreation) yet just barely a thousand for personal care? I also wonder what on earth the children are buying with their £4543 in pocket money if their parents are already providing them with food, shelter, clothing, furniture, vacations, entertainment and even a car. I can’t imagine what that leaves left except for fags and no child should be smoking over 4000 quids’ worth of fags, even I will admit to that. Most upsetting of all, though, is the fact that parents spend £67,430 for childcare and babysitting. You could buy over 23 acres of land in North Yorkshire for less than that. Instead, parents choose to have children and then shell out the cash for someone to take them off their hands.

To pour salt on the wound, the “news” article I read about this report claims that parents can save money in the following ways: by taking advantage of bargains on entertainment; by buying “used” toys; and by cutting their own cost of living through shopping around for cheaper rates on insurance, credit cards, mortgages, etc. If I were a parent (which  I am not), I would be more than a little offended by these so-called suggestions. Firstly, on principle, I take umbrage with anything connected to the word bargain. Secondly, facts are facts: kids chew on things. When a toy is described as “used,” what they mean is “has already been chewed on.” In my mind, purchasing a pre-chewed-on toy for another child to chew on is tantamount to abuse. And finally, faced with the knowledge that I as a parent (again, I’m not) am expected to disburse over £200,000 of my hard-earned money for this little kiddie, if someone suggested that I alter my own cost of living by wasting hours upon hours on the internet trying to save 3 quid a month on my car insurance, well, I hope said advice-giver is wearing a bulletproof vest, because I’d have a gun and one of us is going to die.

I believe that children are our future. We should treat them well and what not. However, there’s already over two billion of them on the planet; I’m not sure we really need any new ones. Doesn’t it seem like a wiser investment to buy that land up North, make a donation to UNICEF and have a few bob left over to get yourself something nice on a rainy day?

Tags: , , ,

You Can’t Get Into The Hall of Fame Unless You Limp—Casey Stengel

22 Jan

Thank you much for the condolences regarding my being excluded, yet again, from the inductees to the New Jersey Hall of Fame.  Much like the dedicated fan who left roses and cognac at Poe’s grave, a dear man nominates me every year (I do not know his name as he signs the form only with his prison number), but I have yet to get in. Please do not concern yourselves too much on my account. I am well aware of how these things work and as lovely as the honour would be, I simply refuse to play their games. I have done nothing but praise the Garden State, but it looks like my refusal to sleep with a certain prominent New Jersey politician continues to haunt me.

To those being inducted into the Hall of Fame this year—Martha Stewart and John Travolta among them—I offer my hearty congratulations. It looks like they “did what it takes” to get the coveted prize, but I’m afraid I just couldn’t stomach those stumpy hands anywhere near my person.

You win some and you lose some, I suppose.

Tags: , , , , ,

A Kiss That Speaks Volumes Is Seldom A First Edition—Clare Whiting

5 Jan

Kiss2003A scientist from the University of Texas today published a book called The Science of Kissing.

I must confess to being somewhat surprised by this, as scientists do not generally come to mind when considering “experts” in the romantic arts.  However, the author is of the female persuasion so perhaps there may be some valuable insights within the book’s pages.

I do have some objections, though, to one claim the book makes: that most people remember their first kiss “more vividly” than the loss of their virginity. (This is based on research done by a male psychologist, I feel compelled to point out.)

This is problematic for a number of reasons.

Firstly, I myself cannot remember “up to 90 percent of the details” of my “first romantic kiss.” To find myself outside of the majority is no new task for me (the cream always rises to the top, as they say); however, it is somewhat hurtful that I am so clearly deliberately being excluded, once again, from the scientific community.

Additionally, I feel the terminology is too vague. What exactly is a “romantic kiss“? I may have kissed Corey Frye in second grade, but it wasn’t until many years later that I first experienced any sense of romance (read: tongues). So does Corey count?  And what exactly are “vivid details”? I’m afraid I don’t remember 90% of the letters in the boy’s name, let alone the majority of the “details” of the very first time my lips touched another’s (I know it was Joey something). Was it just that our kiss wasn’t “romantic” enough to register in my memory? Finally, I need more specifics when it comes to the “loss of virginity” (note: if you’d like to send specifics, please put “Cherry Popping” in your email’s subject line). Defining virginity is a bit of a sticky wicket. Some teens have oral and anal sex but still see themselves as virgins (though I doubt that’s how the boys at their schools see them). I once spent a rather significant hour with a charming young man (come to think of it, I do believe it was Corey Frye’s uncle) and while the experience was extremely memorable (and illegal in Connorsville, Wisconsin), it did not feature the “marital embrace” so was I still a virgin when I stumbled out of that shed? I thought scientists were all about precision. For me to be convinced by this claim, the terms need to be much more explicit.

Over the course of my lifetime, I have had more kisses than I have had hot dinners.  No kiss is necessarily more memorable than any other.  Various factors (such as intensity of love, alcohol intake, length of infection, financial repercussions, etc) affect which kisses stay with us. If any of you reading this have gotten to first base with me, rest assured I recall all the relevant details. Which may explain why we haven’t spoken in years.

Pucker up, suckers!

Tags: , , , ,

← Older Entries
Newer Entries →