Divided By A Common Language, Part One
1 FebIt’s time.
Despite being an internationally respected woman and writer, I still get some grief about “speaking American.” Guess what? I’m American so, to those people I say, duh. But I’m British, too, so I also say fuck off, you twat.
However, in the spirit of being more welcoming, I’ve decided to supply a British-American dictionary for my less worldly readers. Here’s the first section.
But I’m telling you right now: I don’t want any quibbles. I don’t speak for all Americans. I don’t speak for all Brits. I only speak for myself: Agatha Whitt-Wellington. Got it?
A
Abattoir: Slaughterhouse Abseiling: Rappeling Abroad: Overseas Accelerator: Gas pedal
Action Man: G.I. Joe
Accumulator (bet): Parlay
Advert: Commercial
A&E, casualty: ER (emergency room)
Aerial: Antenna
Aeroplane: Airplane
Alight: Get off
Aluminium: Aluminum
Alsatian: German Shepherd
Angry: Mad, pissed off
Anti-clockwise: Counter-clockwise
Articulated lorry, juggernaut: Semi, tractor trailer, big rig, 18-wheeler
Arse: Ass
Athletics: Track and field
Aubergine: Eggplant
Automatic (car): Standard
Autumn: Fall
B
Backhander: Kickback Bagsie: Dibs Balaclava: Ski mask Bang to rights: Dead to rights Bank holiday: National holiday Bap, cob: Hamburger bun Barrister: Trial lawyer Bath: Bathtub Bedsit: Studio apartment Beefburger: Hamburger Beermat: Coaster Behind: In back of Benefits: Welfare Bespoke: Tailor made, custom made Bill: Check Bin: Wastebasket, garbage can, trash can Bin liner: Garbage bag, trash bag Biro: Pen Biscuits: Cookies Bloke, chap, lad: Man, guy Bogie, bogey: Booger
Boiled sweets: Hard candy
Bonnet: Hood
Booking: Reservation
Boot: Trunk
Bottle: Moxie
Braces: Suspenders
Break (school): Recess
Boiler (central heating): Furnace
Box (men’s athletic protection): Cup
Bum bag: Fanny pack
Bungalow: Single-storey house
Bum: Butt, booty, fanny
Burgle: Burglarize
C
Call box: Phone booth Candy floss: Cotton candy
Car park: Parking lot
Canteen: Cafeteria
Caravan: Trailer, camper, RV
Caretaker: Janitor
Car boot sale: Yard/garage sale
Car side lights: Parking lights
Car wing: Fender
Catapult: Sling-shot
Cellar: Basement
Cheeky: Ornery (cheeky monkey=ornery critter)
Chemist: Pharmacy, drugstore
Cheque: Check
Chips: French fries
Chuffed: Happy
City centre: Downtown
Cladding: Siding
Clean your teeth: Brush your teeth
Cling film: plastic wrap, Saran wrap™
Coach: Bus, Greyhound™
Condom: Rubber
Consultant doctor: Specialist
Cooker: Oven, stove
Coriander: Cilantro
Cotton: Thread
Cotton bud: Q-Tip™
Cotton wool: Cotton balls
Courgette: Zucchini
Crash (a car): Wreck (used as a verb and noun)
Crisps: Potato chips
Crumpet: English muffin
Current account: Checking account
D
Daddy long legs: Crane fly Daft, thick: Stupid, dumb Diagonal: Catacorner Digger: Backhoe Dinner jacket: Tuxedo Diversion: Detour Doctor’s surgery: Doctor’s office Dodgems: Bumper cars
Draughts: Checkers
Drawing pin: Tack
Dressing gown: Robe
Dual-carriageway: Divided highway
Dummy: Pacifier, binky
Dustbin: Trash can
Dustcart: Garbage truck
Dustman: Garbage man
Duvet: Comforter
E
Engaged (phone): Busy Estate (inner city): The projects Estate (area of new houses): Sub-division Estate (car): Station wagon Estate agent: Real estate agent Ex-directory: UnlistedF
Fag: Cigarette Fag end: Cigarette butt Fairy cake: Cupcake Fairy lights: Christmas lights Fancy: Like Fancy dress party: Costume party Fanny: Pussy (sounds somewhat cruder, doesn’t it?) Father Christmas: Santa Claus Fire brigade: Fire department First, second, third, fourth year (at university & high school): Freshman, sophomore, junior, senior Fishfingers: Fishsticks Flannel: Washcloth Flask: Thermos Flat: Apartment Flyover: Overpass Football: Soccer Football boots: Cleats Footpath: Trail Freephone: Toll-free Fringe: Bangs Frying pan: Skillet Full stop: PeriodG
Gammon: Ham steak Gangway: Aisle Garden: Yard Gear stick (car): Stick shift Gherkin: Pickle
Give way: Yield
Gear lever: Gear shift
Glove box: Glove compartment
Gobsmacked: Surprised
Goose pimples: Goose bumps
Grease-proof paper: Waxed paper
Green fingers: Green thumb
Grill: Broil
Ground floor: First floor
H
Hair slide: Barrette Hand bag: Purse Hand brake: Parking brake Hash (#): Pound sign
Headmaster / mistress: Principal
Hen night: Bachelorette party
High Street: Main Street
Hire: Rent
Hob: Stovetop
Holiday: Vacation
Homely: Homey (homely actually means ugly, so watch yourself)
Hosepipe: Hose
Hundreds and thousands: Sprinkles
I
Iced lolly: Popsicle™
Icing sugar: Powdered sugar
Identity parade: Police line-up
Indicators (car): Turn signals
Inverted commas: Quotemarks
J
Jacket potato: Baked potato Jam: Jelly (as in peanut butter and jelly sandwiches)
Jelly: Jell-O™
Joiner: Carpenter
Jumper: Sweater
Jump leads: Jumper cables
Junction (motorway): Exit
K
Kit (sports, camera, etc.): Gear Kitchen roll: Paper towels Knickers: Panties, underwear Knuckle dusters: Brass knucklesL
Ladder (tights): Run Ladybird: Ladybug Lager: Beer Launderette: Laundromat Lay-by: Rest area Lead (dog): Leash Leads (electrical): Cords Lemonade: 7-Up™, Sprite™ Let: Rent Letter box: Mail box Level crossing: Railroad crossing Lie-in: Sleep-in Lift: Elevator Lift (give someone a lift): Ride Lodger: Boarder Loo, Toilet: Bathroom, restroom Loogie: Goober, hocker (goobers are also chocolate covered peanuts)
Loft: Attic
Lollipop: Lollipop, sucker
Lollipop lady: Crossing guard
Lorry: Truck
Lorry driver: Truck driver, trucker
Lot (material items): Bunch
Lounge, sitting room: Living room.
Love bite: Hickey
M
Manager (sports): Coach Managing director: CEO (Chief Executive Officer) Mange tout: Snow peas Mannequin: Dummy Manual (car): Stick, stick shift
Mate: Friend, buddy, pal, chum
Maths: Math
Megaphone: Bullhorn
Mileometer: Odometer
Mince (meat): Ground meat
Mobile library: Bookmobile
Mobile phone: Cell phone, cellular phone
Motorway: Highway, expressway
Mum: Mom
To be continued….
Divided By A Common Language, Part Two
31 JanN
Nappy: Diaper National: Federal National Insurance number: Social Security number Newsagent: Newsstand Newsreader: Anchorman, anchorwoman Nick (verb): Steal, rob Nick (noun): Prison, state pen, slammer, big house
Nil: Nothing, zero
Nought: Zero
Noughts and Crosses: Tic-Tac-Toe
Note (money): Bill
Number plates: License plates
O
OAP: Senior citizen Off-licence: Liquor store (also available as a drive-thru) Off-roader: SUV (sport utility vehicle) Off-the-peg: Off-the-rack
Operating theatre: Operating room
Overtake: Pass
P
Pants (y fronts): Underwear, briefs, shorts Paraffin: Kerosene Parking brake: Emergency brake Patience (card game): Solitaire Pavement: Sidewalk Pay in: Deposit Pay packet: Pay check Pay rise: Pay raise P.C. (Police Constable): Police Officer P.E. class: Gym class Pelican, zebra crossings: Pedestrian crossing Petrol: Gas Piles: Hemorrhoids Pitch (sports): Field Plait (hair): Braid Plaster (bandage): Band-Aid™ Plaster (walls): Drywall P.M.T.: P.M.S. (it’s a proper syndrome in America, not just a bit of tension) Pocket money (child’s): Allowance Poorly: Sick Pop socks: Knee-high’s Post: Mail Post box: Mailbox (flag up to indicate you have something to be picked up) Post code: Zip code
Post-Mortem: Autopsy
Potholing, caving: Spelunking
Powercut: Power outage
Pram: baby carriage, buggy
Prawn: Shrimp
Press-up: Push-Up
Pressurise: Pressure
Propstand (push bike): Kickstand
Pub: Bar
Public school: Private school
Pudding, sweets, afters: Dessert
Pull: Pick up, score
Puncture (tyre): Flat
Pushchair: Stroller
Push bike: Bike, bicycle
Q
Queue: Line Quid: Buck (slang for a dollar)R
Randy: Horny Rasher (bacon): Slice Redundant: Laid-off Register: Roster Return (journey): Round-trip Reverse (a car, etc.): Back up Reverse charges: Collect call Revision: Study, cram Ring (on phone): Call Roadworks: Construction
Rocket (vegetable): Arugula
Roundabout: Traffic island
Row: Argue, fight, quarrel
Rubber: Eraser
Rubbish (refuse): Garbage, trash
Rude: Risqué
S
Sack (get the sack): Fired S.A.E: S.A.S.E (self addressed stamped envelope) Saloon (car): Sedan Sand pit (children’s): Sand box Sello™ tape: Scotch™ tape Semi-detached: Duplex Semi-skimmed milk: Lowfat, 2% milk Serviette: Napkin Settee: Sofa, couch Shaving foam: Shaving cream Shop: Store
Shopping trolley: Shopping cart
Silencer (car): Muffler
Single ticket: One-way
Solicitor: Lawyer, attorney
Sorbet: Sherbert
Skint: Broke
Skip: Dumpster
Skive: Play hooky
Sledge: Sled
Sleeper (rail): Railway tie
Slip road: On-ramp, off-ramp
Slowcoach: Slowpoke
Smock (dress): Jumper
Snog: Make out
Spanner: Wrench
Spirits: Liquor
Stabilisers (child’s bike): Training wheels
Stag night: Bachelor party
Starter: Appetizer
Static caravan: Mobile home
Strop, wobbly: Hissy fit 
Study: Den
Sub-contract: Outsource
Supply teacher: Substitute teacher
Surname: Last name
Suspenders: Garter belt
Swear: Cuss
Swede: Rutabaga
Sweets: Candy
Swimming costume: Swim suit, swimming trunks, bathing suit
T
Takeaway: Takeout Tannoy: Loudspeaker Tap: Faucet, spigot Tarmac: Pavement, asphalt, blacktop Teat (baby bottle): Nipple Tea towel: Dish towel Telly: TV Tetchy: Touchy Thousand million: Billion Tick: Check, checkmark Ten-pin bowling: Bowling Till: Cash register Tin (of food): Can Tip: Dump
Tipp-X™: Wite-out™
Toilet, loo: Bathroom, restroom, john
Toilet roll: Toilet paper
Torch: Flashlight
Touch wood: knock on wood
Tout (tickets): Scalp
Towbar: Trailer hitch
Trainers: Sneakers, tennis shoes
Tramp: Bum, hobo
Treacle: Molasses
Trousers: Pants, trousers
Tumble dryer: Dryer
V
VAT: Sales tax Verucca: Plantar wart Vest: Tank top Video: VCRW
Waistcoat: Vest Walking (country): Hiking Wardrobe: Closet Washing up: Dishwashing Wellies: Rubber boots, galoshes
Whinge: Whine
Windcheater: Windbreaker
Windscreen: Windshield
Whatsit: Doohickey, thingamabob
Write-off (car): Total
Z
Zebra crossing, pelican crossing: Crosswalk Zimmerframe: Walker Zip: ZipperSome of these words are familiar to my readers, whether they are British or American or Other. I don’t doubt you’ve heard many of them on television or in films. So why, may I ask, is it so difficult for you to understand them when they come out of my mouth? Well, you can plead ignorance no more. Thanks to the time and effort I’ve taken to enlighten both my countries’ citizens, I’m certain that US/UK relations will improve.
And as we say in all types of English, you’re welcome.
We Don’t Need No Education—Oh, Really Now?
23 JanI told you children were stupid.
New research shows that youngsters are leaving primary school unable to spell, add or do times tables. According to a survey, more than a quarter of children aged between 10 and 12 cannot add two simple sums together without a calculator.
Dullards!
This comes just a few days after students worldwide panicked because Wikipedia went black for one day. Young people tweeted “How will I do my homework now?” (and worse yet, many wrote “What’s going on with Wikipedia?” Google it, idiots!).
And therein lies the problem: laziness.
We didn’t have Spell Check when I was young. If we needed to know how to spell a word, we would walk across the room to the bookshelf and look it up in the dictionary (where, thoughtfully, the definition of said word was also available, free of charge). No children had calculators either; shopkeepers were banned from selling them to minors. Those who did manage to get a hold of one didn’t even consider using it for mathematical reasons (hint: 5318008). Why would they? There was no reason to: that’s when brains are for.
Young people today seem to have willingly resigned themselves to not having to do things—if a machine won’t do it for them, then it must not be that important. Sadly, this seems to include thinking; I guess that’s just too much hard work for them to bother with. This can’t bode well for the future.
If you’re a parent worried about your child’s abilities, here’s a simple test: restrict his or her use of machines for one week. Without a calculator, can he complete his algebra homework? Without a computer, can she write an essay? Without a refrigerator, can he keep his meat and milk products from spoiling? Without her dialysis machine, can she remove waste and excess water from her blood? If the answers are no, your child is too dependent on machines and very likely a dumbbell.
You have my deepest sympathies. If they’re still in primary school, you still have time. Schedule an appointment with their teachers to come up with an action plan. Otherwise, I’m afraid your children will be on the fast track to a career as a fast food worker, criminal or the Chancellor of the Exchequer. No one wants that.
Censored!
19 JanOn January 18, you may have been disappointed to see that this webpage had gone black.
Yes, my words—the words of Agatha Whitt-Wellington—were censored from my adoring public.
Why? Because I was participating in the largest online protest ever, to protest SOPA/PIPA, two bills in the US that could severely limit Internet freedom. While the vote on SOPA may have been temporarily delayed, it’s not gone even though President Obama has criticised it (surprising, eh? as you know how much Congress and the Senate value his take on things). I may joke about censorship, but if the Internet were censored how might the Arab Spring or the Occupy movement have been affected? Would I be rolling in cash proceeds from my extensive back catalog if the Internet were censored? I shudder to think. That’s why we all have to do something.
What you can do:
1. Cherish those on the Internet who use their freedom wisely.
2. Use your freedom wisely.
3. Never give away your freedom.
4. Talk to people about what’s going on.
5. Stand up and do something, whether you’re in the US or not.
Of course, I’d never deliberately offend anyone’s sensibilities on my website, nor would I break any laws, because with freedom comes responsibility. But I won’t stand by doing nothing when our freedom is in danger. I hope you won’t either.
How To Beat Blue Monday
16 JanToday is Blue Monday, which is supposedly the most depressing day of the year. Of course, there is some logic to back up this claim. The formula is:
So, according to the science boffins (at Sky Travel, mind you), 16 January 2012 will be the most depressing day of this year. I was surprised that this year didn’t lead to a slightly different conclusion, what with the world predicted to end and all (which I would’ve assumed might lead to a slight dip in happiness levels), but whatever.
You know me, I never argue with science—especially when it’s used to advertise a Murdoch media organ—so I guess, facts is facts, and today we’re all depressed. Therefore, I’d like to offer a couple helpful suggestions to get you through.
You see what I’ve done here? It’s called satire.
1. This year, Blue Monday is also Martin Luther King Jr Day in America. Perhaps it would cheer you up to remember how far we’ve come with eliminating racism and making it safe to peacefully protest.
2. Get some rest, eat right, take some exercise and remember that whatever is wrong in your life is no worse today than it will be tomorrow.
I suppose if you’re struggling today, you could always try to distract yourself until midnight. Snuggle up with a copy of The Sun or The Wall Street Journal, maybe watch a show on Fox or a film you’ve saved on Sky+. Rupert Murdoch’s going to get your money one way or another, so give in to Blue Monday and do as you’re told.
The World Is A Stage, But The Play Is Badly Cast; This One Won’t Be
6 Jan
Very exciting news! After much negotiation, the local Amateur Dramatic Society has finally secured the rights to the story of my life. Auditions for this much-anticipated production will be in mid-February, so you’re welcome, aspiring actors, for the thoughtful heads up from me. You’ve now got a few weeks to prepare for the role of a lifetime.
MAJOR ROLES TO BE CAST:
Agatha Whitt-Wellington: witty, gorgeous, sophisticated, ageless, seductive but not distastefully so
Mother: brash, loud, unsupportive (complete plucking of eyebrows required)
Father: non-speaking role
Granny “Boots” Wellington: trouser-wearing
Headmaster: diminutive, unaware of how to behave in the presence of genius
Daphne d’Ebriété: elderly, wise, drunk in all scenes
Rupert Stanley Quim: elderly, stumpy, confused
Baron Von Schwarzen Wurst: debonair, accent of unknown origin
HRH Prince William: pre-hair loss
Christopher: good-looking, dependent (some nudity required)
Alice Wintergarden: jealous but ultimately harmless
MINOR ROLES TO BE CAST:
Lovers #1-45
Admirers #1-22
Arresting Officers #1-4
Doctor
Jeremy Irons
Competition will be tough: this is an important production and an incredible opportunity to be a part of the life of an amazing woman (that’s not vanity but the words of the judge who ruled on the intellectual property rights case).
After the holidays, I may be willing to give interviews to actors who would like to “get inside my head.” These will be by appointment-only; interested young men should send photographs and be prepared to run lines, if you know what I mean.
Scrooge I Am Not
25 Dec
As expected, the excitement of this special day has softened all anger I felt about Christopher’s alcohol-fueled shenanigans of evening last. For, as Charles Dickens wrote in the immortal The Muppet Christmas Carol, “He had no further intercourse with Spirits, but lived upon the Total Abstinence Principle, ever afterwards; and it was always said of him, that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive possessed the knowledge. May that be truly said of us, and all of us! And so, as Tiny Tim observed, God Bless Us, Every One!”
‘Twas The Night Before Christmas
24 Dec
Twas the night before Christmas, when into the house
Creeped little drunk Christopher, the Yuletide souse.
The Alka Seltzer was left right next to the Aga,
In hopes he would grab it instead of some lager. Miss Agatha was nestled all snug in her bed,
Dreams of an incident-free Christmas danced in her head,
Though she quite certain it was too much to ask,
When she discovered that Christopher had taken her flask. When in the kitchen there arose such a clatter,
She sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
She put on her slippers and her silk dressing gown,
Nipped out of the bedroom and headed straight down. The amber of the streetlamp flooded the room
As she entered the kitchen, filling with gloom.
When, what to her wondering eyes did she spy,
But a little-too-merry boy, starting to cry. Though he had promised this year to abstain,
She instantly thought, “Here we go again.”
He claimed to be sorry right down to his core,
Though he was interrupted when he fell to the floor. Oh Stella! Oh, WKD! Oh, Malibu and Coke!
You’ve turned Christopher’s promises into a joke.
The night before Christmas is a time to deck halls,
But he’s pissed away, pissed away, pissed away all!
Creeped little drunk Christopher, the Yuletide souse.
The Alka Seltzer was left right next to the Aga,
In hopes he would grab it instead of some lager. Miss Agatha was nestled all snug in her bed,
Dreams of an incident-free Christmas danced in her head,
Though she quite certain it was too much to ask,
When she discovered that Christopher had taken her flask. When in the kitchen there arose such a clatter,
She sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
She put on her slippers and her silk dressing gown,
Nipped out of the bedroom and headed straight down. The amber of the streetlamp flooded the room
As she entered the kitchen, filling with gloom.
When, what to her wondering eyes did she spy,
But a little-too-merry boy, starting to cry. Though he had promised this year to abstain,
She instantly thought, “Here we go again.”
He claimed to be sorry right down to his core,
Though he was interrupted when he fell to the floor. Oh Stella! Oh, WKD! Oh, Malibu and Coke!
You’ve turned Christopher’s promises into a joke.
The night before Christmas is a time to deck halls,
But he’s pissed away, pissed away, pissed away all!
I hope your Christmas Eve did not include what has now become a tradition round here, a young man coming in intoxicated and spewing what are clearly the issues he has with his mother onto me. For once I’d like to fall asleep on Christmas Eve, dreaming of sugarplums, rather than questioning my level of tolerance that allows this pisshead to live in my home.
If you prefer the traditional version, enjoy and Happy Christmas to all.
Service With A Smile
11 Dec
No doubt this month you’ve been faced with a queue of some sort. Perhaps you were posting your holiday cards or getting a flu shot or purchasing a gift for a person you admire (note: my ring size is 4.5). You were probably annoyed by having to wait and when you finally got service, you were expecting a little compassion from the person behind the counter. After all, you’re a busy, important person and your time is valuable. If a service provider makes you wait, the least they can do is apologise, right?
I’m afraid I am unable to back you up on this one. As you know, I greatly admire manners and would love to be greeted with a smile by everyone who serves me. However, I also believe in keeping things in perspective.
Just for a moment, consider that person who is serving you. How’s their day going? While standing in line waiting to buy something is a pain, standing at the till ringing up other people’s purchases isn’t a barrel of laughs, you know. Of course, they’re probably being paid to do so (though undoubtedly not very well), but is pretending their life revolves around you and your happiness part of their job description? If in the end, you got my ring (I hope you remembered I prefer baguette rather than pear-shaped), the transaction’s been successful whether or not the clerk smiled at you or wished you a merry Christmas.
The run-up to December 25 can be stressful. If you can, make a smile part of all your public interactions. But if you don’t get one in return, try to be understanding. After all, it can be very tiring autographing book after book, and even the most sophisticated of authoresses can sometimes become frustrated. I’m sorry I kicked your child’s shin, but you got your book and isn’t that what you actually came out for?
Get The Book!
Everyone Needs An Algonquin: The Collected Wit and Wisdom of Agatha Whitt-Wellington (Miss) brings Agatha home to you. Read some old favourites alongside bucket loads of new material.
Everyone Needs an Algonquin 
Agatha’s Public Chimes In